$#@%!

Christmas

2011-12-26T05:31:00.001-08:00

My Christmas was great. I loved the atmosphere from all of my family members. I loved the feeling of giving, the most. This year was the first year I actually was able to get presents for my family. I'm blessed to have a job that lets me give back to those I love. If I could, I'd probably shed a few tears. I get that butterfly feeling thinking about how happy I made them. Seeing my mom smile from the shoes. Hearing my dad say that I'm a good son. This is the best Christmas so far. I didn't care if I didn't got anything. Just giving is enough. It is the season of giving after all! I love it!

On the other hand. There was that text. How could you? I don't know why, but it bugs me. Truce? I'm sorry, but it's not happening. It won't ever work. Stop trying, please. It's the only nice way I can tell you this. What the hell do you want out of me? Do you like seeing me get hurt? I'm not trying to feel that pain again. So please, give up. It would've been much better if you hadn't sent that text. Cut me out already.

Reality Check

2011-12-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

I guess this is a reality check. I don't feel pessimistic or enraged at the moment. This incident was the last straw. It's more of an epiphany than a lesson learned. The point of all this - to grow up. I need to accept the fact that the past is in the past. I can't do anything about it. I guess when that door closed, I had to find the key to the next one. This is that "key". You and I are two different galaxies now. We used to be one. This is how it is. I need to get over you, for real. You're 98% there, so this should give me the confidence to start. It's time to step past that newly opened door. I need to be more mature about my actions. Respect the respected and trust more. I came to the conclusion that I haven't really changed much. I'm hard-headed and a nuisance. As much as I said that I have changed with this and that, I didn't. Here it is, the open future. This is not just growing up, but growing out, of you. If destiny beholds our paths to connect again, we'll just leave it to destiny. I can't change fate, nor could I have changed you. I've been put on shackles since you came back into my life. These shackles also had weights. That "key" also unlocks these things too. I'm doing just want you wanted me to do, to move on. You've taught me a lot without even saying a thing. You also kept repeating a line, "Life's too short to be sittin' 'round miserable." It's time to say good bye one last time. To you, to us, and the past. Good bye.

Head

2011-12-07T03:08:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. I don't know if this is a head ache I'm having or if it's just all the memories playing back in my mind. I wish I had a good reason to be losing all this sleep... like it was last week. You don't know how much this sucks. You're lucky you don't have to feel this. This pain consumes everything. This pain makes it hard to remember the past, plan for the future, and live for today. I thought I had it all. Things were back to the way it should be. Me talking to you, you talking to me - these things made life like paradise. I called it, again. You weren't gonna talk to me as much. It's barely anything anymore. Like I said "no more hi's, just byes". I'm afraid to be the first one to talk now, cause I don't want to be waiting on a reply. I feel as if I wasted all that time to even think about texting you and then sending that text, knowing it's just gonna be a one-way text. Why do I keep listening to my heart when it eventually hurts itself? I think it's cause I take that risk. I can't go any lower than I already am, so it's worth a shot. I'm just a foolish boy with a foolish heart. I don't think I'll ever have that "missing piece" ever in my life again. No one fitted perfectly as she did. I don't know where I'm going with this.. End blog.

$#@%!

2011-12-05T02:06:00.001-08:00

I don't even fucking know anymore. My bipolarness just likes to fucking kick in. I want you so bad, yet you make me want to hate the fucking shit out of you. I'm probably exaggerating that, but it seems like it. I fucking want you. I want what we had, but differently. I wanted to START FRESH. I know my fucking mistakes, you think I don't? You think I haven't thought about them and haven't tried to fix it? I know what you fucking hate, so why would I fucking want to repeat it? This shit is ridiculous. I can't fucking take how you fucking treat me. I FUCKING LEARNED DUDE. I'm not a fucking idiot. I know I make shit complicated, but fuck, it's only cause I can't even get my shit across. I guess I'm fucking awkward? That shit was ridiculous. I don't know if you're finding reasons to fucking get over me and shit, but fuck, I'm not fucking awkward. I told you it was the situation. Give me a chance to show you.. wait, fuck, I doubt I have any anymore. The things you say, it may be the truth, but shit, really? I talk too fucking much? It's cause it's what's on mind. Is whatever is on my mind not that important? I try to fucking sum this shit up, but I guess it just carries on. Maybe it's cause you're barely talking. That would make it seem like I'm not the one who's talking that much. Being insecure of myself is one of the reasons to break up with me? Really? That's some stupid shit. I never wanted to not be with you because you were insecure. No one's fucking perfect, of course people would be insecure. It's fucking human nature. But I guess you just tried to find something to throw against me. My insecurities were right though. I'm not saying I should be, but listening to what I have to say would help. That way it wouldn't lead to an insecurity. Even so, I had my fucking reasons to be. I don't know how many times I told you that. It was one of the reasons why some relationships ended. Of course, I want to get rid of it before it becomes a threat to the relationship. What do you fucking want? Do you want me in your life, really? You know I come with this shit, but you still want me in your life? You fucking hate this shit, but you still want me in your life? You want me to decide whether to be in it or not? It's not my life though. I want you. I can't keep my feelings away. It's true. Since October 31st, 2010, It always has been. I'm not that perfect boy in your dreams, but I try to be. I tried to please you with every word I said. I guess my words are too much though, length wise. I'm down to prove everything. Now that I'm not your boyfriend, I can show you what I mean. Just cause I was your boyfriend, being an ex, or whatever, doesn't mean my words are any different. You want to shoot yourself? I've had that idea way before you. If I had a fucking punching bag though. You make me want to rethink everything, over and over. Do I want you? Do I give up? Do I fight? Do I stay? There's too many fucking shit. Fuck my brain. You fucking suck. All you do is think too much. You deserve a bullet. FUCK THIS. FUCK THAT.

Random #1

2011-11-13T16:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I catch myself wondering about you. I don't want to admit to the truth though, because I'm trying to move on.

Pieces, now.

2011-10-31T23:33:00.000-07:00

This was in the works for today, in puzzle form. I thought it'd be great to look over a memorable year with memorable pictures. Cheers, to something that will never happen again. I've faced the fact that nothing really lasts forever.

"If she loved you enough, she wouldn't let pain lay a finger on you." -A.

One.

2011-10-31T01:10:00.001-07:00

One year later. We almost managed to make it last. It was a roller coaster ride with you. Now, it finally stopped. I could say so much, but I'd rather not. It's done. We're done.

Box.

2011-10-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

&this is it how it ends, kinda. I still need to give you your stuff. You asked "why are you throwing it all away?" My answer is that I don't want to be reminded of those times. They're not bad memories, just those I don't want to really remember. I have no use for them and you don't either. Do you want me to move on? Here's a step closer to it. Face it, we'll never be back together again. From what you've done to me... I don't know.

Wow.

2011-10-29T00:12:00.001-07:00

Pretty shady stuff, but I guess so. That cycle of yours continues. On to the next for you? So true.

End?

2011-10-27T00:06:00.001-07:00

I hope you're enjoying your life. Mine is looking up.

Drop.

2011-10-24T21:17:00.001-07:00

It's still unbelievable. I, honestly, never thought this was gonna happen. Out of all the times, this has got to be the worse. This has hurt me the most, so far. I thought it was gonna go great sooner or later. This is the downfall. Just wow. My heart dropped when you told me. It still hasn't came back up. Each week is just another heart break.. You think you're sad about these post? I'm the one writing them. These are a fraction of how I really feel.

React.

2011-10-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

Right now, as of 11:57 PM, I don't know how to react to that. I don't know how to react to everything. (Stalker alert) Your tweets, likes, and facebook. I feel shut downed, hurt, and all. I don't know why though. I have to face the fact that I can't do anything about any of it. I'll continue to inscribe my feelings here, but I don't know what to say. I can't tell if that text was a good thing or bad thing though. Let me reply to some of your words though. First off, you keep running your mouth about how I deserve someone better. I don't know how many times I've told you: I only want you. I don't care if there's someone else out there, I only wanted you. That's how things been then and are now. Jealousy. I hate it too. I've been trying to bear it. I know it's inevitable, but I'm trying my best to not show it. I shouldn't have been a dick about it. In the end, you were mine. Lesson learned.. I really don't want to be anything other than yours. I know it's shady, but it's hard to just have you there and not be mine. These feelings cannot be denied and replaced. If I can only be a good friend, I'll die. I can't stand seeing you with someone else or whatever. I'm not a bench warmer on the sidelines. I want to be your starter and closer. I guess that hurts too. Like I said in the last post, I gotta accept it. Then again, I'd rather not be part of your life if I'm not your lover. In time, I'll see how I feel about it all. See you later.

Better.

2011-10-23T02:31:00.000-07:00

It was nice hearing your voice again. It'll be a while until I hear it again, a long while. I have to accept it though. I know how your life is going, it's going great. I feel the need not to interfere, no matter how much I want to be in it. It's been a month since we've parted. You've grown to live better without me. School is great, volleyball is great, and everything else is great. I knew it was better without me. I'm ashamed to have let you endure through the times with me. I know I don't matter anymore. I'm not worth a reply back, it's fine. It's unfortunate to say, but you're really done with me. Sorry? I don't know why you would have to say that. You're not sorry. If you were, it wouldn't be like that. You don't need to hold back anymore. Don't feel bad for me. Just give me your 100% honesty. It doesn't matter cause I'm not your boyfriend anymore, right? You moved on. Maybe I should too.. but it's hard. I can't move on from one of the greatest parts of my life. I'm seriously a hopeless romantic. I doubt you read these too. Fuck me..

Ache.

2011-10-21T03:44:00.000-07:00

RE: First off, it doesn't really make sense. If I changed, wouldn't that mean I wouldn't do the same things? As in, changing to not make the same mistake again. Like, I changed, so I won't hurt you again. Truthfully, I want to never hurt you again. I want to try my best. I don't like not having you around.

The nights are the same. Last night though, I almost fell asleep early. Then I got woken up. I tried not to think about anything, but sleeping, so I can fall asleep. Thoughts of the past keeps me awake. The pain of not having it anymore keeps me up. I don't know if this is coincidence or if I have something wrong with me, but my heart aches, literally. For the past few nights, when I'm laying in bed, the right side of my chest would ache. Almost at the same time every night. I've felt this before and you know. It really is true. My heart hurts, for you.

I was ecstatic seeing your text. My body was like "woah". I wanted to do more, but I know it's not right. I can't just fall so soon. I want it to happen naturally. You really made me smile. Just knowing thoughts of me crossed your mind. It's amazing. I just hope they don't fade away like us. At least keep me somewhere. Your heart, I doubt it. Your mind, hopefully. Yourself, I wish. It's almost 4AM and thoughts of you are still keeping me up. Save me, please.

Faint.

2011-10-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

It's been such a tiring half-week. I've been studying for midterms, preparing for tests, and writing the shit out of papers. To think that these things would preoccupy myself.. I'm still hurting though. Seeing "16" everywhere in math, hearing Adele, and constant flashbacks. They all seem to overlap everything I do. I miss you so fucking much. I'm hoping that's you who's texting me. I'm hoping that's you who's calling. I'm hoping that you're.. thinking of me. I want to talk to you so bad, yet I want to give the space you want. I have the urge to type "Bri" on my phone and press the call button. I faintly said "babe" today, because I forgot how it sounds. I felt as if I lost my voice. It seems you took it along with you. Laying in bed isn't the same without you as mine. Yet again, I slept late last night. It sucks so much. I can't fall asleep without countless memories pouring in my mind. I want to dream, but all I can do is look back. Our past is golden. Those were, by far, some of the best times of my life. Having someone to love, in that certain way, made it so special. I know why so many people search for that person. Because it's such a great feeling. I don't want anyone else. I don't care who's single now or who's cute or whatever. I know who I want. I want you. I can't stress enough to get that point across. You complete me. My "missing puzzle piece", remember that? I'm still here, waiting, for you. You said that you would "leave my life" to not hurt me any more than you have. That doesn't make sense because with that, I'm eternally broken forever. This pain sucks. I can't make it go away myself. I need you.

Empty

2011-10-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm doing well in hiding my feelings inside too. Truthfully, I can't really take it. I'm falling apart inside. Just those little things that remind of you, creates another little heartbreak. I probably broke my heart a hundred times since the weekend. Thoughts of you can never escape my mind. I try to preoccupy myself, but it doesn't work. I've only gone a day without touching my phone, trying to interact with you, and it really bums me out. There I am, laying on bed, with nothing to really do. I still sleep late though. You still keep me up, metaphorically. You're all I can think of before heading to bed. I can't fall asleep normally as I used to. This is much different. It hurts knowing that you're on the phone with people or maybe a person. I'm being consumed by misery. It's honestly my best friend now. I stay up with misery. Misery makes me fall asleep. I wake up to it. It has its own place in my heart now. I feel as if people who are died are quite lucky. They don't have to face these problems anymore. Sometimes I just don't want to wake up to the life I live. I feel like an empty shell, just trying to get by. I hate hearing songs that are from the past that relate to us. "What's My Name?" on the radio "U Smile" at work. Trust me, it hurt like a bitch. Sometimes I wonder why I can't cry during those moments. I just want to. I want to get it out of me. I can't take this stuff. It's only been a day since I stopped talking to you. Why does it feel like forever? Everything has gotten difficult. Weren't you the one hugging me tight a few days ago? Kisses on the cheeks and forehead. Those don't mean anything anymore? I keep day dreaming of that moment. You hugged me from the back. Your arms wrapped around my whole body. I kinda teared up thinking about it last night. That was the last time. The last time I was ever in your arms. I felt so good. I felt like everything was going to be alright. You had told me that nothing was gonna happen that weekend. You wouldn't leave me. I guess that was another meaningless thing you said, right? Cause I can see otherwise. You used to help me get through a lot of stuff. You were my motivation to wake up. You were the motivation to even go through the day. I feel like there are no reasons to do anything. I know I'm young, but you told me yourself, that it doesn't matter. True love. That's what I have for you. I just wish it worked out...

Depths

2011-10-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

How am I doing, you ask? Well, I'm alright. I've been having the not-so-best of days lately, actually for a long while. I've recently became single. I'm not together with her anymore. Yes, her, the one who I always talked about and couldn't stop. The one who makes me feel that special feeling no one else could. My favorite word lately is: miserable. I don't intend to like it, but I'm used to the word. I'm always saying "I feel so miserable" and "life is miserable". Not only do I say it, but it's an actual feeling. I feel the emptiness and loneliness in the depths of my heart and through out my whole body. I miss her. I miss her so much. I wish I could count the seconds until we're together again, but unfortunately there isn't a timer. I'm not even sure if it will happen.

There is a light though.

For at least most of these nights, there's her. She's on the other line. Honestly, my worst days just end off great talking to her. Her voice. I can get lost in her voice like a maze. I love hearing each word, like they're coming from a goddess. I've gotten to understand what she wants. I'm slowly working on my kinks. Anyways, talking to her still completes my nights. I don't know if I said it here, but without her voice, I can't really get a good nights sleep. Knowing that I'm the one she talks to before she sleeps makes my sleep even better. She's something special. I don't ever want to lose her. Hopefully, there'll be a day. 'Til then, I'll keep trying my best.

Lost

2011-09-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out what I'm really doing wrong. I don't mean to add unnecessary shit to your pile. I'm only trying to make it easier for you. I'm going to prove to you all the words I said. I'm not trying to lose you. You're the only one.

I'm at a lost for words now.. I can't really think anymore.

Static

2011-09-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

So I can't seem to understand what's really going on. I don't know if this is the PMS talking or what.. You call for a break, which you never do, out of nowhere. Was it cause I didn't add "good" with "morning"? There's no way you can text me saying it's a good morning to want to be on your own. Now you just want to forget the whole thing. I mean, I know it's a good thing, but I'm still intrigued by everything. I don't know what I did wrong since. I know I still act like a dick, but only because that's how I feel towards certain subjects. You know how I feel about you and everything else. No need to go into detail. I know this sounds a bit weird, but cut me some slack. I know that you're gonna go ballistic about that, but it seems as if things are flipping. I know that you're going through, academics and sports. I understand and am fine. I make it reasonable. I just don't get how I get intertwined. I mean, we barley even talk as much through out the whole day. Mostly before you sleep. So when I say to "cut me some slack", I mean to not put so much on me. This "stress" you have is just bringing me down too. You take it out on me. I didn't do shit, really. I'll mention something that is irrelevant and somehow I get back lashed. I know I don't ask for much, but do this one favor. At least explain to me what I'm doing wrong. Really, it'll help a lot. I just can't stress that enough. Be honest with me. Be straight up. This relationship won't work if you can't communicate with me every time.

You can't tell, but you're breaking me down slowly. I'll fall soon.

Worth

2011-09-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

You're my biggest heartache and my fattest headache to date. You make my blood boil so much, I just want to break everything in this room. I hate the shit you give me. Whether it's the weird as way you talk to me or when you don't even talk to me at all, I hate that shit. Late night drives don't really help. It's just a waste of gas. I can't escape from the shit. It just haunts me, poking at my heart, never leaving me alone. How do I deal with this? I can just walk away, forever. Why not just leave?

Simply put, you mean a whole lot. I don't want to go into detail like always, but just review everything I've said, because they still apply. All that lovey-dovey stuff. You're worth too much to throw away. I don't want to "see what happens in two days" or whatever is that you said. I already know how it'd be like. Don't think I'd just give up. It's not worth it.

I can't really think right now.

I'm just sayin'..

2011-08-24T01:11:00.000-07:00

I really forgot about this old thing. It was just mentioned earlier today. Didn't know anybody remembered this still existed. Cool.

I woke up with the ambition to have a good day. To start off with a bang and keep it going. Went to Mission to do some shit. Went to Milpitas to do some shit too. I was glad that I was preoccupied during my short time before school starts. Go back home, then leave again. All on 'E'. Hung out with some friends. Pretty chill. I'm really gonna miss all of them. Even if I see some here, there are still those who are parting off. I just wish that each day of school had the same thing: lunch at the tables. I've had so many memories with all of them and here we are, going our own ways. I wonder if we all will keep in touch and never lose ourselves. Hmph, we'll see. So far, the day was going well. Went back home to bike with my cousins. It's pretty nice staying close to my family too. It seemed like I was so separated, but I'm still hanging on. The night was going great too. A lot of stuff to do, making summer just a bit better.

I have no idea why, but it seemed like something wasn't right. I'm talking to her, and it's just weird. I can't seem to explain it, but it's still inside of me. The talk was a regular one. I'm not sure if this is the same talks we always have or if I just started to notice this one in particular. I guess things are changing now that school started for her. I have to adjust my schedule to fit her in. It's not like a while ago, when she could pop out of nowhere and it'll be all good. There's a certain limit she has now and I know when time is up. Sometimes I get unlucky and it stops earlier (i.e. earlier). I shouldn't be bugged since I'm so used to it all the damn time now. Hopefully our gears will be in sync when school starts for me too. Something I'm looking forward to. I just miss talking to her as long as we BOTH can. When we can fully accept when one falls asleep. I'm just barley hanging on this one. The talks seem like the talks we always have, but it just seems like it's a mask. What I mean is that it's just covering up what's really going on. I'm not for this, but I have to accept it to get farther. I hate Drake for filling up with lines that seem like their true. Just a little though, nothing big, but are we alright? I just think that she says what she feels, but when I see her, it's a whole different story. I don't seem to see that feeling. It's just like it's whatever. It makes me feel a bit off when I hear her say something about her feelings and don't actually feel it towards me. Just a little expectation, but it's whatever. I already expect so much, but I know they won't all be filled. I have realistic expectations and those that I really wish for. Beggers can't be choosers.

Aloha

2011-08-02T00:53:00.000-07:00

I hate my brain. I hate what goes on in it. I can't stand to realize the mistake I made right after I made it. This isn't good. This always happens. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Conflict.

2011-04-20T00:06:00.000-07:00

Control yourself? Really? You think you can? I don't know, it just bothers me how you barley learn the lesson. I feel like you've said that once before. Maybe I'm just trippin' out. I know how you are under those circumstances, I know how you act when you with your people. Believe me, you barley get the time to stop and think. Bad decisions are made when you're having too much fun. I'm afraid to find out what will happen. Being there, seems iffy. It's like I want to, but don't at the same time. If I'm not there, something will go wrong. We can barley communicate in general. I don't know if you don't have the time or if I don't have the time, but it's just not there. Being there, I'll hate seeing the way you do your thing. It'll annoy the hell out of me, honestly. I have no choice but to leave. If I do, then something else will go wrong. I feel as if anything that we do, something will go wrong. I don't know what to do now and I don't want to think of it. Unnecessary thoughts are not welcome. You won't read this in time, but do what you want. I don't know if I hint that you should put everything into consideration before you make your move. Happy times, sike.

Versus.

2011-03-31T21:10:00.000-07:00

Expectations vs. reality. I still hits me that I still have that same mindset of expecting something. These aren't big problems, but it's starting to annoy myself. I need to really stop expecting things to happen. It just bugs me inside. I've gone without expecting, but I feel for the trap of one lucky chance. Unfortunately, that was a fail. Test failed. Rant rant rant.

Facts of reality.

2011-03-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

The cold hard taste of disappointment is not one likes to deal with. I cannot cope with these feelings. I have become weaker. I will stay strong though. Never in my life did I imagine this would come true. Worst nightmare come true. I cannot focus on my essay. All night typing tomorrow. I cannot stand how she can smile in the midst of my pain. Forceful emotions were necessary. I cannot purge my true emotions in public. Tears are left for home. I really dislike being comforted. It takes a lot to reject them and keep in these warm tears. Then again, it is nice to know that I have the best of friends ever. It is not like they are going to see this, but thanks all of you. I still cannot get over the fact that it is over. One of the things that I never wanted, happened. Inexcusable actions. I really wish I had a time machine. Lesson learned the hard way. I just really really really want everything back. I, lost all my thoughts. I cannot focus.

Fucked up.

2011-03-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

Big time. I seriously feel like shit. I regret every second. Fuck the alcohol. That shit is twisted. I know my consequences of exceeding amounts. I don't know how to act. I feel like leaving, but my love for her keeps pulling me back. I'm lost between the lines. I can't have her leave. I really pray that she doesn't.

Inhale, exhale.

2011-02-28T11:25:00.000-08:00

There's not time to think. In 9 months, a baby can be born. In a day, a famous monument was said to be made. In an hour, you can get from point A to B. In a second, I can leave. Value the time we have. Don't create useless space or silences. We're not perfect. A relationship consists of joy and happiness, but cannot be alone without its balance of problems and sadness. I guess these trials are to see how we face them, together. One sided answers are useless when there's two of us. Both inputs are important in order to solve the problem. These moments are worth valuing. You can't capture moments by taking breaks. You can't just take a walk in the park when in the middle of sculpting a diamond. I'll admit taking breathers help, but if you inhale a lot of that air, I could possibly find other ways out. Just saying. Doors closes, windows open. All of this, are the thoughts right after. It's 2 in the morning and I got time to breathe a little more.

This wall is starting to rise. She's the west, while I'm stuck in the east. Something like the Great Wall. I'm trying to send my love through, but it's not getting to you. I don't know if you're doing the same, but hopefully, I wish you do. We can meet in the middle and negotiate. Tear down this wall piece by piece. We have all the time in our lives, but I don't want to waste one second. Lets use our time helping ourselves instead of pushing away. I know I love to fight, but she needs to tell me to put my money where my heart is. A relationship is worth the fight, but being happy, with her, is worth more. High hopes get shot to me. All I wish for is more time.

Stuck in this moment.

2011-02-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

No one ever said love goes our way. I thought this streak of happiness and no worries wouldn't have ever ended. This goes to show how much we want, but never can receive. Then again, nothing is ever permanent. There will never be a single thing that will sit still forever. I know she hates when I apologize. But how do I tell her how I feel if I can't say "i'm sorry"? I can't be perfect. It sucks how I can't be as good as the next person. My qualities are less desirable than theirs. I wish only the best for her, yet I can't fulfill that wish. She means the universe to me. I hate when we can't talk regularly. I hate how there's maybe something wrong. I really need her to tell me what's going on through her mind. I can't go on without knowing what makes you down. How am I supposed to act like nothing happened when I know it did. I knew since the moment we got off the call, that there was something wrong. I didn't want to wake up because I knew I was going to be right. Those ending thoughts formed my dream. It was scary because it almost seemed too real. Aside from the setting, the actions and depth came close to reality. The way I wrote what you liked on the piece of paper and how I crumpled it because it wasn't me, felt so real. I really wonder if dreams mean something more than it is. Sometimes I wonder how the dream would've ended or maybe I don't want to know. Love is, confusing.

No hands.

2011-02-13T01:23:00.000-08:00

The annual Sadie Hawkins dance was great. My first and last at Milpitas High. I'm glad my date was her. I really wouldn't want anyone else. As soon as I saw her through the window, I already knew she looked the best. No doubt about that. She knows how I cherish her beauty, but has no idea how much. I'm seriously a lucky guy. Our pictures better be great. I'm sorry we had a little gap between us, but hopefully it turns out great. Hips rockin', sweat droppin', bodies talkin'. That was literally what was going down on the dance floor. Hella Chucks though! I swear, I saw hella people wearing them. Taylor Gang up in there. My thighs were dying out towards the end. I felt like they were gonna cramp up. We wore our sweaters the whole time. Pretty crazy. We were both hella sweaty. I don't know how many times I wiped my face. She is getting her sleep as I type. A well deserved sleep for my tired baby. This night, will be one to remember.

Year of the lover.

2011-02-06T23:48:00.000-08:00

Maybe it is. I recall listening to this song in the beginning of the school year cause it was a good tune aside from all the music streaming at the time. It just happened to be my year, well, our year. I don't know about her, but this really feels like this could be the year (late '10 - now). It's been rough, but we're bearing it now. Since that day, a week ago. I felt as if that was a hash mark to start "new". Not really new, but the same concepts with a bit of touch ups here and there. I take a look a couple days before that day and a couple days after, and there's a for sure change. Now, it feels good. Holding her in these arms feels more passionate. She was gone, even though it was for a few hours, and the grasp is tighter. I can't let her go again. I kind of got the feeling without her and it wasn't nice. I'm kind of glad it happened. If it didn't, would it feel as good as this? Surely it was a big help. These past months have been a blessing. This will be the year where it started. Let's just exchange vows now and keep adding on as we go. Hah, sike. (; Love her, I do. Not just as lovers, but as friends, best friends, and so much more. Let's reach out and love one another.

Because we're ridiculous with each other.

2011-02-02T17:33:00.000-08:00

&it's one of the things I cherish.

Scratch that.

2011-01-31T23:55:00.000-08:00

Forgive me of the last post. I take back a few things I said. I will continue. Not just to put these thoughts and feelings out there, but for past references. I'd like to clear my mind for the new day and gather more thoughts of these thoughts.

First off, Happy 3 months of talking. I know it's lame to celebrate things like this, and this is even more lame, since it's not really an official date. But who cares, I like to celebrate the things that matter.

I should start getting used to a few things now. The main one is expectations. I need to start lowering my expectations. I am no longer the same person I was a few minutes ago. I need to get used to this change. My virtues and beliefs are now transfigured. Since then, I can no longer expect her to want me. I turned back because she didn't chase fast enough. If that were to happen again, I would be going through those three doors and into the elevator, going down. I feel as if this is a new birth. The birth of a persona. This new mask I will wear at the times needed. The old one is recycled along with its features. I must bear these changes, these changes I can see visibly. It's time for me to step up and wear this mask with pride. I can no longer speak without consequence. The cost of each word is as deadly as poison. I hope I don't die by word of mouth. I was never a fan of having pride for much things, but this will be an exception. My decisions are mine and I will only be the only one to blame. I smell trouble brewing along the road, so it's time to find another path. I will expect the betwixt, so the expectation will split like a fork in the road. I no longer have the same faith as before, it's more of a theory. I'm not hoping, I'm just abiding to the cold facts. I can literally feel myself deteriorating inside, while being refurbished with a new start.

I'm sorry to say (my bad about apologizing), but things aren't the same fairy tale. It's more of an actual love story. Through the eyes of both lovers. I'm scared to fight, knowing that it could be an instant knock out. I'm going to need her to back up her feelings with action now.

I am my worst enemy and she is my greatest weakness. That really sounds like a combination of a common nightmare. Over thinking? Maybe just a little.

Last.

2011-01-30T09:26:00.000-08:00

Listen, I'll quit being a little bitch/baby/pussy. No more pouring my head out onto this place. My feelings and thoughts are gonna remain in my brain. I'd rather you find out things word of mouth. Cause that's the better way to communicate.

You're not thinking of me, but you're fucking imprinted in my head.

Elevator music.

2011-01-26T22:58:00.000-08:00

I had this thought that things have changed. It seems as if I'm talking to someone different. It's that that drastic change, but it seems really off. It's been a span of a few days and I've caught myself noticing it. I don't know whether I'm tripping or what. Maybe there's another factor, myself. Maybe the thing is that we're different. That feeling that I thought would never go away, feels like it's going away. I'm not too sure and I don't want to be. That cloud 9 feeling is escalating down slowly. I'm honestly scared. I can hear my heart beat against my chest, screaming for help. Okay, maybe a exaggerating just a bit, but hell, I'm quite afraid. I don't want to shut down and go bipolar. There's never a place in between where I can just stay consistently. It moves up and down like elevators. I crave your wanting of me so that I feel good. Greedy much. I can barley stand quick changes. Especially those that seem so vital. My worst nightmares are the ones I live in everyday. The thought of how you can disappear in a flash coexist with the nightmares. I can't sleep with my fingers crossed that nothing will go wrong. I put my faith into reality and hope for the best. I've learned that this relationship is worth fighting for. I've seen you grow in these past few months with my own eyes and that's normal. But this seems strange. I can't put it into detail since it's just a feeling. Then again, I think too much and put in too much thought. Sometimes I really do think this brain deserves a bullet, metaphorically.

That negative shit.

2011-01-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

People always fuck up, but no one fucks up more than me. I make the small things seem very big. I constantly accuse false actions. I'm a screw-up, idiot, douche bag, ass hole, and every other negative word. I'm a greedy son-of-a-bitch, I'll admit it. I just want what should be mine. No one else can touch. Don't even lay eyes. I will shove my keys into them. My mistakes causes us to fall. To become vulnerable. I can't show it. If I do, a swarm of low-lives will rush to you, just like fish and bait. I still feel that I'm shit and that she can do better. It still surprises me that she comes back. I don't expect her to. She can leave anytime. I'm not prepared for that. But I can't stop what could happen. If it does happen, I just got to accept that. I will fight though, only if it's in my favor. If she cuts it, it's already done. I've only saved myself once before with someone else. If it were to happen, it wouldn't be the same. This is a tougher cookie. I can't eat more than I can swallow. I guess we just have to see what time gives us. It seems that these little fights have the same occurring theme... Whatever though, fuck it. Too many strikes for me. I feel as if the next is my last. IIII

Shifted.

2011-01-19T18:54:00.000-08:00

Revelation? Maybe. For some odd reason, I'm just spontaneously deciding to blurt out what's on my mind. Not really everything, but something. I feel lucky, no, blessed. Just letting my surroundings disappear and actually ponder my thoughts brought me to that decision. I'm blessed with her. She's the best thing that I've ever/will ever receive. Honest to God, I'm really in debt to a higher being beyond beings for being able to have her. I can go on and on, but they're usually in my regular entries anyways. I love this talent of dancing. Breakdancing, bboying, rebelling, or whatever you call it, I love it. I love how I can express myself through the steps of my feet and with the rhythm with its beats. Living on the edge and just saying "fuck it" feels great. Gliding on the floor and even hovering. Many wish to be Superman, and I would say I feel like him in the get go. Friends come and go, but I believe you should be forceful of who you want in. Be aggressive. I pick who comes and who goes. I apologize that I can't be the friend that listens to all needs or give a helping hand, but I try. I honestly feel good alone, but even better with others. I like the warmth and connections surging from one to the other. I feel like we're chains. We're all apart of that same link. It's gonna be sad when we have to break free. I never liked the feeling of departure. It creates a hole in my stomach. I'm just glad that my friends helped influence to the person I am. I would say that Milpitas Made Me. I could not fathom of how I would've been if I didn't move cities. Quite the thought.

I'm looking toward my future. I want to know what it'll all be like. I want to see my new fears and face them. I already know who's going to be by my side. She completes me anyways, my missing puzzle piece. Not being a child seems like a fun challenge. I don't even feel as old as I am. I feel like my freshmen self. In just 5/6 months, it's go time. Time is gonna fly while I have fun with these months. The week is almost over and I would say that it flew by fast. This goes to show how quick life really gets. The funny thing is, that when I want time to move faster, it doesn't. As I don't pay attention, time sneaks up behind me. I hate it when I have to set my clock after someone unplugs it. My thoughts have turned, and I am now stumped.

201.

2011-01-09T15:21:00.000-08:00

Days have been great. I couldn't ask for more. It just seems to be perfect by the end and it keeps going on. From leaving your door, to out your door, from the stairs/elevator, to the start of the car. What can I say? I'm blessed with the best. We're pulling through with hits and misses, here and there. I know we're doing just fine.

Hey, I just recently asked you to my own Sadie Hawkins dance on Friday. We played basketball (&i did not get "owned") and jogged around that park (only ONE lap). We're gonna get too lazy to exercise soon and we just started. I can go blindfolded and not be scared, with you driving now. Trust. I'd rather take the stairs than elevators now. It's quicker when I take the stairs anyways. You finally got to get introduced, kinda, to my cousins and siblings. It seems as though you're accepted, I think. We'll see over time. Home-made pizookies and The Social Network. Smart people make smart stuff. I saved you from being a third wheel and watched a movie about a creepy little girl. Three movie nights in a row, heh. Having you in my arms causes butterflies to reproduce in my stomach and also gives me a sense of relief. The relief that you are mines and no one and nothing can change that fact. I can't wait for the future. I have a few things I have in mind for it. The secrets best kept are the secrets for you to find out. You're so amazing. It never gets old telling you that and all the other mushy stuff. I like how I'm able to tell you that, and mean every word of it. I'm complete.

Fucking ridiculous.

2011-01-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

This year does not seem like it's mine. Shit's been going on this fucking fast. It's only fucking day 3. What the fuck? Let's just fucking punch holes in this wall.

This is really the night where I fucked it up seriously. I can only runaway for so long. I just need my time. It won't help if you're on the other side of the phone. I'm an idiot, who can't think straight. Flaws are faced. They've been known. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. Rules were made because they were broken before the rule came into play. It's fucking life. &right now, I'm fucking not in the right place in life. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Because I can't say it out loud. I'm getting forehead wrinkles. Damn tenseness. nbmnmn m ,n gvghuyvb

Oversized sweater.

2011-01-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure around this time is when couples start getting bored. That sugar rush of feelings dies out. That flame reduced to a match-sized fire. Why am I not bored? I actually crave more. Spending a whole day or whole night with you doesn't fill my appetite. I still want you, even after-hours. You're the most irresistible gummy worm, ever. There has not been a day where I did not want to part from you. Right when we greet goodbyes, I already miss you. I don't know how long I can see you day after day after days. I want to know. The funny thing is that I have feeling I can last forever. I really can't stop this crave. It's not enough to be next to you then bounce. If I could just say "fuck it" and go with my heart, I'd be with you like every beat of your heart. The scent of yourself on the crewneck can only give me so much. I sound like a creep, yikes. I just want you, heh. Time will tell.

Then again, I don't want to keep invading your bubble. I should control myself and give you space. You might need it, but I wouldn't know. Oh, bipolar me. *pow

A walk in the park.

2011-01-01T04:19:00.000-08:00

Hello to the new fucking year. The year of 11. The year where I will finish high school and become an adult. The year I turn 18 and probably do nothing about it. This past year seems like a blur. My mind has been only focused on the major things. I just tried to check what I blogged about a year ago, but there's nothing. I remembered that Tumblr took over. I never had a New Years kiss. Well, not until this year, I think. This year has already started off where I always wanted to start, next to Her. I can't think of anywhere or anyone better. I hope to have a good time. The last year, well 6 months, to have the title of being a kid. I'll still be one inside though, no doubt. What's life without laughs anyways? The mistakes from last year will be mended and shot out in the opposite direction. I know what not to do. I know about second chances and how it actually feels, which doors to open and close, and the people I put my faith in. Some of the stuff is still hazy. Maybe these last months of school will show who everyone really is. Seeds will blossom and flowers may die. I feel like a dying flower. I have not seen as many faces I thought I'd see lately. I'm slowly fading with the shadows, creeping out of people's lives. Ties are loosening to their last threads. The vibe with a few feels like scratched records on broken record players and opposing magnets. Pushing away, jumping from here to there. This year could be the year to repair. I'm pretty sure by the end, we'll all be on that natural high with each other. Anything could happen though. Mindsets change like plays in a game of basketball. I have a few set. It's like a train track always going to its destination, but without that crazy guy with the mustache who plans to bomb the tracks or leave the damsel in distress. I'm bipolar. The scary part is that I knew. I could think this, but then think that. My emotions change like the images within a kaleidoscope. I'm a sensitive kid, but doesn't bruise easily. The little things can tick me off. Lesson learned. I'm a little asshole. Maybe this year will be the year I change or something. I don't expect to change anyways. We all say we do, but we always end up the way we already were. Let's be real. I remember after a few events that I said I was gonna change. Who knew I got worse? I remember going to church-affiliated youth groups. I'm not saying it's bad and all, but who am I now? Who are the other kids that went, now? We go through these phases, but always seem to not hit that checkpoint of no return. There really is no such thing as that. We can always be what we want. Lesson learned. 2010, I became a worse person than I was in 2009. I wonder what's in store for me this year. Will I be getting the overdue slaps in the face? The punches in the gut? The knees to my nuts? No fingers crossed. Pinkies up to the new year, with middle fingers to the last, well maybe to some of it. I like the last parts of that year.

2AM thoughts.

2010-12-30T02:27:00.000-08:00

She's mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine. Damn, that feels good to say. You're worth more than you can realize. I'm glad it's set. I just had a revelation. I am blessed to have you. Period.

Inconsistent songs on repeat.

2010-12-30T00:48:00.000-08:00

I find myself lost in thought a couple times. Obviously they revolve the same subject, just like a planet and its moons. These thoughts though, they differ. I thought about these thoughts. I wouldn't say its a majority, but 60/40. 60/40 negative. I like the good thoughts. I have this theory that this world is perfectly equivalent. For every death, there is birth. For every door closed, one opens. The good and the bad balances themselves out. So then I question myself: "Why isn't this balanced?" Shouldn't my own being follow my own theory? Do people always follow what they preach? Good questions. I guess this piece isn't fitting into our puzzle of life. I just get butt hurt a lot. I have been lately. I really do mean it when I say that the little things kick me. In ways, the little things could be a plus. What are the little things I get though? Whoa. I just blew my mind a little. I don't get fancied with texts. I guess just being in your presence is my "little thing". I shake. I get nervous. I get shy. Take a walk in my socks. I get scared when I try to do stuff. Presenting you with a surprise blows my mind. I seriously get nervous and shake. If I were light-skinned, you would see my face red as a red pepper. Anyways, I really don't know where I'm going. One subject just branches out to more. What my points are, is that my thoughts aren't what I want, I don't receive as much "little things" therefore it hurts when the minor things get crushed, you make me different. I wish for you to give me these happy thoughts. You get so close, but don't make it to me. You dropped the baton in our race, but it was so close in my grasp. I get left in awe. Honestly, we're not as bright as we used to be. At times I feel like we're weak, hanging on by a thread. I tried my best to tie these ends. I'm not giving up. As much as it pounds on my heart, I will not show any signs of falling. The only time I'll fall is when I pull off my surprise trust falls. I don't know if you felt it, but I did. I felt us being vulnerable. We're not supposed to have a weakness, no kryptonite. We're strong though. I feel it. When I let my guard down and trust you, I know that we're strong. It's still hard, but I just got to believe that you'll catch me in this trust fall. I'm scared to fall, no pressure. I'm taking risk left and right. I prepare myself for the opposite outcome. Sometimes I just back out and rush to call you. Your voice completes my nights. I seriously can't get comfortable in my bed, unless we have a satisfied conversation. I love going beyond satisfied though. Maybe these talks aren't as how they used to be because we've been seeing each other often. It's not bad, not at all. I love that I can see you. I want you 24/7, but that's a whole different subject. We know each other's day already. Not many topics flow, especially on boring nights. SIGH. I try my best to keep it alive, but then I lose hope. I guess you caught me giving up. F*ck. Just thinking about it, makes me feel like a true bully. I can't believe you deal with me. I don't know how I would deal with myself. You're great. Hm, I love this thought. Let's keep it at that. I love your being.

Thank You.

2010-12-28T17:55:00.001-08:00

I love it all. The bucket (haha), the boxers, the journal, the candy, and the pigs. Most of all, the letter. Thanks, BJ$ < 3

A battery's life.

2010-12-25T04:13:00.000-08:00

This was the last thing I could I do, before my battery f'd me over. Taking this picture took a long process. My phone would die out on me as I was using the camera, so I had to turn off my phone, turn it back on, then go to camera as soon as possible. I had to do that twice. I really wanted to capture this. It's funny how we always have to relate to pieces coming together. Like these pieces. These pieces fit perfectly (although the rest fit perfectly too, but it doesn't matter because I like being corny with you) just like you and I. These blogs never seem to get boring and I never seem to run out of words to say. Because you, Briana, are infinite. These feelings are unlimited. I try to celebrate all the corny holidays everyday, with you. The thankfulness of Thanksgiving, the joyfulness of Christmas, the passion of Valentines day, and the day you were born. I consider the last one a holiday because it has so much significance. I still can't get over your worth to me. It's so extraordinary. You're not supposed to put anyone above yourself or "love her than you love yourself", and I know that. If you're an 8, for example, in my life, than I'm an 8 and one-eighth. Heh, you're way off the scale. I sort of wonder how things fell in place like this. Did we ever think we'd be this deep? Was this ever an option in the beginning? I wonder if you never had this intention to further ourselves to a whole new surface. I guess no one ever had these intentions. They just happened to sprout out of minds and hearts. I'm glad these seeds had water. We make a beautiful garden. Eden look likes a desert to us. I like how our puzzle pieces fell into place. I like how I just take a glance at your face and I get this tiny, overwhelming feeling in my stomach. It's warm and delicate. I think about my past in a second and get lost in thought about how I have someone like you. You're still unreal. I like waking up to face the facts that you are real and that I'm not dreaming and that you're still here, with me. This is been my ~~first~~ second Christmas, taken. 5AM late.

Limited Sleep.

2010-12-22T15:06:00.000-08:00

That's pretty much a title to sum up these past few days. I've had very little sleep. Since Saturday-Sunday, Sunday-Monday, Monday-Tuesday, Tuesday-Today. I've noticed a pattern within those days. It was all risked for you. I'm not regretting a single second too. You really can make me happy--no doubt. The past few days have been a trip to Cloud 9 and back. I know it started rough at the telly, but in the end, you left me with butterflies in my belly. All that and more indescribable emotions. A mixture of everything great and a little good, with a touch of splendidness. I don't know how I'll manage, if you suddenly leave. "2012" would come sooner if you did. All hell will break loose and the sky will fall. That's how my imagination pictures it. Let the demons come, cause they ain't gonna do anything to us. They can't even touch us. Demons wouldn't even want to destroy what we have. I had those moments where you daze off and think of what's happening right now. Sitting out on the balcony, drinking milk. (Heh, I caught myself seeing the time again) I am quite satisfied with everything. There could be more improvement, but it will happen as time passes by. We're going to get better and better. I hope for the best and nothing less. Seeing where we are now, makes me feel so good. I can't let my guard down though. I'll keep on fighting for you. I've always been. You're the fight of my life right now. I need to keep showing you that I'm here, even though I'm not going anywhere. I applaud to these past few months and the months last year. We will make it. I just need your hand in mines to go on further more.

The Curious Case.

2010-12-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

I just don't know, sometimes. I've blogged like this countless times, but I still can't get out the words I want to say. It seems as if more things just get added to this limited brain. Actions speak louder than words. Man, I really do a good job at putting myself down.

In The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Mr. Button is born old and dies young. I had this crazy thought of "What if...". I knock on wood and hope that everything is just fine. These past few days haven't been the same. Inevitable events came up though, so that could be the reason why. I won't know 'til everything has past. I really hate these post, but it's the only things that come to mind. Just know, that I think of "What if's", a lot. My mind has altered a bit, but this heart (hopefully) feels the same.

Without, a doubt.

2010-12-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

Now that I think about it, I'm usually the one spilling my guts. Maybe that's just me. It's kind of hard for me to keep in these feelings. They're just so great, my body can't even handle it. I guess this makes me wonder more. I don't hear as much from yourself. Like I said, don't take this the wrong way. But I could really use some clarification. I know it's difficult for you, but at least you're trying. These feelings have been starting to mix around. It's not certain, in its bad ways. I don't know if that makes sense. It's sort of like a preview of a movie, not even being filmed yet. The scripts change up a bit here and there, then it slowly starts filming, scene by scene. What I'm trying to get at is that my feelings are certain, without a doubt, but it's like-- confused. I'm trying to distinguish what it is clear to me or not. I hate my thoughts. I try not thinking of the worse case scenarios, but they always seem to pop up. I can't take this head anymore. I'm fed up. I need to ease my mind, but there's so much shit happening. %#&! I hope you just keep being you. I like how you don't worry about it. So please, be you.

I often get the craving of drowning in your love. I would love to die by your love. Forever and a day.

You looked beautiful, on that fateful day.

The universe will revolve around us.

2010-12-13T11:44:00.000-08:00

Don't worry. Nothing will happen. I guarantee it. These are but phases. Kind of like your menstrual cycle. It will happen, once in a while, buy it never permanent. If it's not the blood on your sheets though. I'm sorry that the ending wasn't like the beginning. I just hope that these days don't continue. I want the excitement back. I want the forever feeling of happiness. The feeling that will make the universe revolve around us. We will face these obstacles, that come across us, hand-in-hand. We'll take steps at a time. No need to rush. We have all the time in the world. Let's jump this hurdle and go on. My feelings will never die out, as long as you're in my thoughts.

P.S. I miss you, even though I saw you about 24 hours ago.

Chin up, my eyes are right here.

2010-12-11T15:20:00.000-08:00

Fate brought us together not just once, but twice. Maybe fate is trying to say something. Fate isn't random. Fate better bring us somewhere. Is it fate that I feel like this?

This feeling, that we both can't describe. You're my fate. You're my inevitable love. It was fate that your head fits perfectly in my shoulder, while our hands fit perfectly for each other's. It was all design. Like the design of yourself, the as-close-to perfection, I could ever ask for.

You're everything and then some. I'm happy. I'm beyond satisfied. I'll be satisfied for an infinite amount of generations. Forever would seem so short, without you.

My heart beats, when I have thoughts of you. My heart never stopped beating. Well, maybe only when I sneeze. It takes double-takes when I'm with you.

You've opened me up to new worlds. I just need you to open your world, to me. I have time. I'm reaching, but the rest is up to you.

The High Life.

2010-12-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

Her, friends, and family. Those are the only things I could truly ever wish for. They give me a feeling, that I don't even know myself. It's my own rendition to feeling "high". They give me that uplifting, "Is this real?", second-nature laughter, tight secured feeling. My life has been at its peak lately. I love it.

Her: "Is this real?" I don't know how many times I say that to you and myself. I seriously can't believe it. It's not "too good to be true", because you're real. I can connect to your on an earthly level, but also feel like I'm soaring through the stars. You are beyond words, you are actions. Instead of just saying things, you show them to me. We're not just a pair on the phone, but an actual heart-beating pair. We can feel eachother's hearts beat in real time. Your face is carved into my brain. Yes, that pretty face. You're more than a pretty face though. You're a lot more. So much more, that I want to just keep it just between you and me, and leave the world guessing. You are the smoke to my high.

Friends: I don't know what I would do without them. They shaped me to who I am. I am seriously grateful I met all of them. I would've been a lost kid. All these people, come and go, so I'm left with those are here. My memories are filling up with you guys. It's gonna be a tear-jerker, in about 6 months. We'll all pull through. Hopefully all of us don't lose these connections. Let's make the most of high school and create memories that no one can top.

Family: They've been there since I was born. I'm thankful for every one of them. My roots. I'm glad we're all around the same ages, kinda. If you guys were all old, you guys would be boring. Sorry for being the black sheep. It just happens. My love for you guys will never die out. Blood is thicker than water. Thank you for the craziness. I better get a good secret santa present. As if you guys actually read this though, hah.

A little bit, in love with you.

2010-11-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

Well, that's just a title. Lyrics from a song, actually. I don't like throwing the word "love" around, but it seems to just fit in perfect.

I like where I am now, somewhat. The part I like is "us". I like having "us" in this world and the next. "Us" makes me happy. I never really thought there would've been an "us". I am really thankful that there is. Good thing happens to those who wait. Those words actually came true to me. I wouldn't say I was waiting for something like this to happen, but I guess I subconsciously did. I'm glad everything is working out so far. Inside, I am literally at a loss of words to describe this feeling. I would have a shortage of breath, no strength in my knees, and not enough fluids in my eyes to say what I could possibly say. My imagination is so vivid, but cannot be interpreted in any form to show it all. But, I try my best everyday to at least try to decipher it to you. I may do a lot, but it doesn't touch the icing of the cake. I could tell you it in one word that can be filled with many definitions, but that word is "Voldemort" for now. Like I said, I don't want to throw it around. Especially, this soon. I mean, I can say it (with the other two words), but not to your face. I'm scared of the outcome. My expectations don't want to be expected, yet. I don't want to look like a fool, especially in front of you. I'm scared to look nothing less than the best, to you. I don't know if I've accomplished that yet, but I'm still not gonna give up, not until I die a thousand deaths. Don't even get me started about when I'll stop trying for you, heh. I'm having writer's block now, since you called. Damn, hah! I guess this is gonna be an incomplete post. &I don't even know what the topic of this post is of too, lulz.

Regretting to not regret.

2010-11-15T01:21:00.000-08:00

My nights are limited, but I don't blame anyone. I don't regret these things. I mean, if it makes me happy, why regret it? I have so many regrets. I regret not chasing back. I regret not anticipating. I regret giving back that bracelet. I guess it shows how much I cherish things more, now. Hopefully, if a chance like that passes me by again, I'll be sure to consume its importance whole. Thinking about all those regrets now, I think they worked for the better for me. It may have seem like it, at the time, but now - I'm thankful. It really built up this happiness I have now.

All those regrets that made me feel down, just boosted my happiness meter. Sad days will bring happy days. I've had my share of hella sad days. I guess the exchange kicks in now. I'm not gonna lie, my days have been the best, so far. I'm not a big fan of 'karma', but thank you for completing the circles. Forever, I will endeavor to have these days. You're like a comet that only comes once every 3856238 years. &I'm glad I get to see this comet.

Mistakes and all that jazz.

2010-11-14T03:25:00.001-08:00

I've made a couple of mistakes that I'm not proud of. We're humans, we all make mistakes. I feel like an alien though. I actually learn from my mistakes. I think that's why I made them, to learn from them. I always seem to think about that. The mistakes I make, actually affect me. I take them into great consideration and develop a cure. Knowing where I messed up opens my eyes to not fuck up. Mistakes are healthy. I wouldn't advise anyone to make a lot though. You just know when you need to make one.

I won't make a mistake. Well, hopefully I don't. I've been planning and continuing to use my mistakes for the better. In all honestly, I feel different about this one. I know that sounds all cliche and junk, but these blogs don't do justice. I know it's too soon to know what's up, but after seeing my mistakes and looking at you now, I think ~~I'm~~ we're coming to a good start. It's not often where I can picture myself with someone in a few years and longer. I mean, like I would try to, but this imagination came quick. I don't want to jinx anything. I love how I feel so comfortable with you already. Letting you know my past and all that dark stuff comes off my tongue so easily. The way you make me wonder so much, kills me, but gives me a good sign of how much I care. I just hope I don't scare you away. Some people hate when they're talked about it public, but shoot, if they can't handle the public, then good luck with life. Not pointing fingers at you, but to others out there. (Year of the Lover - Lloyd, plays, literally) That song has got to be one of my favorite songs ever. I can't get tired of it. Anyways, I like where we are.

Even though I feel scared at times, I think it keeps me on point. With such a crazy imagination like mines, I think of all these different scenarios that could happen. Hopefully I prepare myself, if some happen. It's just normal for me to be scared in this situation. It's not a good thing. Something always happens and I hate how I feel after. I never like feeling that way. That feeling is "Voldemort". Is it cause of how young you are? How young I am. Age doesn't phase me anymore. It does, a little, but you're the exception. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. So is the rest of the world. I'm just the one being open about it. Mistakes made and learned. Trust. It's what I have in you. Don't break it. It's a pretty long time to mend it back together and give it away. Only few have mines and deserve it. It's not DJ Hero. You may be addicted to it, but don't play around with it. (Unthinkable - Alicia Keys, plays, literally) I mean, if you ask me, I'm ready. I would copy and paste these lyrics to show you how I feel, but I'd rather input my own words for this one.

One of the rules: don't be clingy. I learn from you too. I can see why they would be clingy though. I honestly try not to be. I try to strain myself back, but I'm a vampire. I like your blood and all. What comes to mind, is pushing you away a little. I don't want to ever, push, you, away. I keep my distance, put my trust, and just hope for the best. If mistakes are made, then we'll just have to see what I need to learn. No pressure, hah. 4:11 and still trying to remember what else I needed to type. With all these concerns, it fills up my head. I'm gonna need to clear my mind for you though. No stress will be added. Hopefully I don't dig my own grave. I will use all I have in order to prevent it. You're worth a lot. You just don't know yet, you ~~ugly duckling~~ beautiful swan.

&I wonder.

2010-11-08T00:53:00.000-08:00

It sucks how I don't know what to do. I wish I can know what goes on through people's heads. I wish I knew when the right time to tell you "good morning" is. It sucks, cause you're asleep. &I don't get a text back after like... wait, I don't get a text back. Haha! I wish I knew when the perfect moment to call you is at. You and your busy days makes you tired. I don't mean to get all attached, but I just like having that feeling of someone there, somewhere, at night. I'm sorry if I call too much. I'm sorry if it annoys you, in some way. I just feel lost sometimes, regretting that I pushed that green-illuminated button. It kills me, that I wonder if the vibrations annoy you. See, this is why I'm up. I wonder if you ever wonder, about me. I was supposed to sleep hours ago, but I guess it was fate that brought me back here, to prevent me from some good ass sleep. It's cool, I'd waste sleep for you. It's a risk I'm willing to take. I thought this revival of these happy feelings were great, but I forgot it comes with confusion. I'm not trying to over-think it, but I'm a cautious kid. I wish you would open up (wink face), just a little. Sorry, again, I feel like I'm getting parasitic, again. How can I think so much, this quick? I'm open arms and all I get are chains and locks. In time, I'll open these locks or metaphorically-disguised questions. Damn it, Kevin, think straight. Wake up refreshed, please.

Return.

2010-11-07T23:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a long while since I've been on here. Thanks to an anonymous message on Tumblr, I've came back to my niche. I was going to post a short, cheesy line on Tumblr, but I think I'll just expand it here. I'll clean up this mess of a layout soon.

My weekend. I never was a good planner. I can't plan anything. It usually ends up in flames. I usually just conform and let the pieces fall into their own places. It's a habit. I hate being unique. I'm never credited for what I do. Anyways, my weekend. I couldn't have asked for more. Actually, I could, but I'm glad things turned out the way it did. I pretty much spent my Friday doing nothing. I took a 2-hour nap and woke up in shock, looking at the time. I was gonna watch a movie online, but decided I couldn't.

I woke up Saturday, with big intentions. Hopefully watch a movie, then the kick back. With my bad luck, the movie night didn't happen. Rich and I met up with the girls. I got to see her. I wish I could show my happiness, but I try to act cool. I know, right? I'm not cool, I know. Hence the "try". We then set off to pick up Mark. Headed to Robert's, then the night was destined to "whatever happens, happens". A few round of BP and some odd music, then it was done. It seemed like a long time, but in actuality it was pretty fast. I wish I was your partner for at least one game. Maybe another night, if there are more with you. We left to get Jack. Cuddle here, cuddle there, and my smile wouldn't drop an inch. I really haven't felt so happy in a while. Cloud 9 was as close as the boxers to my nuts, hahaha! I seriously felt unconditional happiness. For the little things would make butterflies reproduce rapidly in the depths of my stomach. Eventually, we ended up at JPham's. Ate our food and attempted to watch The Blair Witch Project. My seat may have seen super uncomfortable, but it was who I was with that made it worth the pain. If only time could stop, I wouldn't want the night the end so soon. I enjoyed your company, every nano-second of it.

To Sunday. I woke up to banging hammers on the wall. Apparently, my dad put up the Christmas lights. I guess it's that time of the year again. Skip a few hours, then I'm off to practice. I made a pit-stop to see her before she goes back to the ghetto, hahahaha, just kidding. They better have appreciated those milk teas. Quality > Quantity? I almost hit them too, haha. I dun goofed. Never flip people off with two hands, facing the car, on a wet road. It might not end up pretty. I'm glad I'm not dead though. A bit stunned, but nothing to a boss. Hah! Practice came and another cold night outside. Got done, then off to take a piss at my house, then change, then to my niece's first birthday. I got my favorite type of candy there. It eventually was over and then the drive back. Good thing it was only 5 minutes away. Took a shower and watched tv. Called B and in an instant she picked up. Nothing special, she just happened to be on the phone. (tongue face) After a good 20 minutes, she left to shower, then eventually KO'd, like always. Typical. It's okay though, you can't rush perfection.

Cause In My Eyeeeeees, She Was Mine

2009-12-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

Chilling with some of the homies was great. La Vics, Pho, BJ’s, and Come Passion. Damn, too much money to use! I got a Super Buritto at La Vics. I thought I got that the last time, but I didn’t. I was the only one who ordered it. -__- I forgot that I got a Super Flour last time. Bleh! &it had beans! Bleh!x2 Jon and Rich weren’t “satisfied” and went for more, so they both got Pho at this Pho place. We got coffee candy! We headed out of Downtown SJ and headed towards Fremont/Newark to the newly opened BJ’s. The front desk girl was a cutie fasho. I couldn’t help but look at her whenever I had the chance, haha. Too bad she’s “too old” and I’m “too young”. Oh well! We waited for like an hour (45 minutes my ass!) just for one item on the menu. We got a Pizookie. Oh my, it was so delicious… just for the beginning though. All of us just rushed in without being aware of what happened. We were all like “ehhhhh” and “oooooh” after a few minutes. It was becoming too much, but it was too good. In the end, we didn’t even finish all of it. Paid our dues then jetted to drop off “JollyV” then Borders @ McCarthey. The Come Passion open mic was happening there. So many familiar faces and many unknown. We got there at about 9:15. JAM’N was on the mic and there were great. I’m glad I knew two of them since 6th grade. Others performed after then we left at around 10:40. Dropped off Richard then to mines. Another talk with Jon, always a good conversation with him. Got home and took a “pizookie”, haha. To top it off, I had a four-minute talk with someone. I don’t care how short or how long a talk with this person lasts, I always cherish it. It may seem wrong, but if it’s wrong, then I don’t want to be right. Haha, lame!

BooHoo

2009-12-01T23:14:00.001-08:00

It's sad to say that I don't blog here, as much, anymore.

It seems as if no one else blogs too. ):

Alum Rock'n

2009-11-26T00:29:00.001-08:00

Another great day with the crew.

Milpitas Teen Center: Our home court. We (Mark, Francis, Derrick, and I) come in and there's like hella more people than usual. 700 Crew showed up and some Santa Theresa b-boys. Eventually, one of the guys from 700 called me out, then it was on. I was ready, I was hungry, I wanted it. First set I did was some weird-random-come-to-mind set. Then it turned into a crew vs crew battle. Rhythm Raskulz vs 700 Crew. It was serious for a whole round, for us, then it just went into a fun battle (as always).

Alum Rock: Then some of us go head out to Alum Rock. We waited for the bus to the mall, then hopped on another one to Alum Rock. We finally get there after some time and one of the first people I see is Nasty Ray. Right after, I see Bobbi Vie and Louie Rockstrong. There are hella dope ass b-boys there. They were all above my level by a long shot. I just trained. I got somewhat Halo's, yay. After some more training, muscles almost getting pulled, and long gazes at everyone else, the battles finally start. I recorded the showcases of the people I knew and all of the battles after the showcase. My boy, Mark "Aesthetic" Aquino, took that shii. Always on point, on beat. He's also in my crew! He got a magazine, then he'll get a shirt soon. Too bad you couldn't have Nasty Ray's shirt. We got a crew shoutout by him that'll be uploaded when the laptop is in my posession. After the whole session, we go get some pizza near by. After the pizza, we waited for the bus, which didn't show up. We headed to the light rail station then off to Great Mall. Got picked up after a while and boom, here I is.

I'm more motivated to train and get better. I'm not gonna slip. Falling is not an option. I swear that I'm gonna get better.

Tumblarity

2009-11-24T23:13:00.000-08:00

This video is also on my tumblr, but it's a different version. The song is pretty nice and the choreo is dope. After watching this version, it's pretty sad. I like the whole concept though. It was choreographed by Shaun Evaristo and some help, wah!

BRAN' NEW

2009-11-24T21:21:00.000-08:00

I made a tumblr, sorry. I made one just to post in another tumblr, but it's pretty cool. It looks cool and I'm getting the hang of it.

This blog might fall, but I'll still post time to time.

kevincatap.tumblr.com; it's more uplifting.

Rhythm Raskulz

2009-11-21T22:10:00.001-08:00

The past two days have been one of the best days so far, crew-wise.

Yesterday, most of the crew were suppose to go to Newark to session with a crew we're friends with. Apparently, at the last minute, 700 told us we couldn't come. There was some kind of fight or something that happened. So instead, we went to Oakgrove High School, in San Jose, to session. We all fitted into a Yukon. Four of us were lying down in the back in order to fit. I was one of them. It was sometimes comfortable, but more uncomfortable most of the ride. There was a cop behind us too, which sucked. We finally got there and rolled deep to their session spot, but two of us rushed on ahead. When we got there, everyone stopped, there were somewhat shocked. It was so cool, haha. I guess there were freshmen bboys or something there and they left as soon as we came. I was kinda nervous standing there cause I didn't know anybody. See, I have never entered-entered a real jam before. I really don't know much bboys outside of my crew. So I was underground, the way I like it. I like being unknown then busting out, it feels good. Andrew said my first set I did was one of the best, I was happy. We are trying to get ourselves known. One of my crew members, John, said this was like Inital D. Crews would practice an hour ahead before going to another city then raced, then took over that city. That's what we basically did. We got ourselves known. We're getting higher up the charts. Overall, the session was great. I wasn't that shy going up, as I usually am. After about two or three hours, we were all hungry and got Jack in the Box, yay. It was so good, like always. Then we went to Tapioca and I got a strawberry icy with aloe. That too is good.

Then the scary part of the night. We were at the bus stop, waiting for our bus. The bus stop is like at a dead end, which was creepy. We were just fooling around like always. I was gonna break, I put the bag down, and I see an empty bottle of alcohol on the ground, in the stop. Then I see something behind the garbage next to the stop, sitting on a curb. It was a lady. I was freaked out, so I grabbed the stuff and regrouped. Out of nowhere, she talks to us. She asked us if we could bring her to the pay phone, which was not so close. I was in the back of the group, my heart was beating loud, and I was just like "what the fck, what the fck, what the fck!". Andrew, being a nice guy, says sure. Then she was like "If not, you could just let me borrow your phone". I didn't want to give it to her, not to be mean, but it was hellla scary. Francis let her use his. We kept on fooling around and she would always ask if the person called back. The person never did. After hella long the bus finally came. We got on an hour ride bus back to Milpitas. On the way, we were saying hella "what ifs" with that situation with the lady. Hella scary stuff on that ride.

I got picked up from my parents and I told them about what happened. I also told them that they should know what my crew is called: Rhythm Raskulz. They were like "redeem" , "whisper", and all with a fob voice, so funny.

Today, I went to the mall with Mark and Derrick. We were just looking around in some stores. The new Forever 21 has the guys side (aka Heritage), yay. I want to go there with my mother tomorrow. We met up with the rest of the crew, which was kinda random. They were there til the morning, haha. We just walked around, so boring. Later on, I thought "We should go to Outback". I told everyone else and we were on our way. The lady told us the wait was almost an hour, so we decided to wait anyways. We went to inside the theather then to Starbucks. They played 13 and I just watched and sat around. The blinker thingy finally blinked and stuff after about half an hour. We got there and I shared Aussie Fries with Mark. Oh the cheesy-bacony joy. We also got the delicious bread w/ butter. After all that, we went outside and see two people jerking. Andrew was just playing around and started jerking a little. We start to head out, then another guy was like "Ya'll wanna jerk?". Haha, those losers. JERKING IS FOR LOSERS, IT'S A B-GRADE DANCE. Sorry, it's true. We played a like green light-red light game to Forever 21. As bored as we were, we just looked around. We go outside and sit. THEN THE SICK SHIT HAPPENS. Andrew goes "Look it's Head Hunters". Allen and I thought he was just kidding, but it was actually them! It was Deja Vu, Richard Scary, Naytron, Dre Hood, and some others I don't know. Rhythm Raskulz x Head Hunters, whaaat?! Suddenly, it turned into a cypher. I went in fourth or fifth. It was so cool. I did well. There weren't any music, so I didn't have my groove, haha. Naytron, oh my. I see you Mark! We had to go, which I didn't want to. I wanted to keep on cyphering with them. I wanted to go in one more time and I did. I busted out my "head kicks" to invert. But as we shook their hands and stuff, the cypher ended, so it was all good. Deja Vu's name is Kevin too! Yayyy! Such a good day. It went from a boring day, almost doing nothing, to a sick ass day. Sorry, I never cypher with big names like them. It's so cool! Like you don't even know, it was fuckn sick. Now I'm home, I'm gonna do hw tomorrow. Hopefully finish my online driver's shiiz later on this week! Fck my cousin, he didn't bring Left 4 Dead. He's sleeping here again, FOR FREE, for a second day.

Pssst

2009-11-17T17:33:00.000-08:00

"Our song is the slamming screen doors,
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window.
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'cause it's late and your mama don't know. "

(Our Song - Taylor Swift)

Hm, it reminds me of stuff. Idk about the screen doors, but it seems familiar..

BLOG#1vvvvv

Don't Breathe Another Breath

2009-11-17T17:15:00.000-08:00

I like this song, even though it's a little dated. It makes me feel good and happy, haha.

I had the clock in the beginning of the video, but my brother took it. Now I have an annoying clock that's so bright, it's hard to go to sleep. >:P

"And now it's getting late, And I can't keep my eyes open, But my hearts open for you."

Breezy up Here

2009-11-15T23:02:00.000-08:00

It's colder on the top now. Haha, if you catch my drift.. Uh, neh. Cut of the hair. I thought it'd be one of my "bad haircuts", but it's not that bad. It does have its flaws, but I'm not really trippin about it as I normally would be.

I finally started my onlne drivers training thingy. I'm half way done! Yayyyy! I'm on lesson 5 of 10. I'm planning to finish by the end of this week, but we'll see. I hope to, but it seems like it's too much. The narrator has a british accent, it's annoying and boring. On my first night, I started to fall asleep.

I thought Thanksgivings was this week, but I was wrong. Someone told me it was the THIRD thursday of November, but it's the FOURTH one. I thought this week was gonna be short. Dang it, 1 full week of school. Blah.

It's been a little past a week since that day. I feel normal, but I always think about it now and then. It makes me sad. I hate memories, they haunt me. I can now replace these nights with the online drivers training, but it's only temporary. *sigh. Oh what I would do to go back in time and make things better..

i never had two blogs in one day

2009-11-11T19:15:00.001-08:00

All I can do now is reminisce with old notes. Total notes: 14. It didn't seem like it's two weeks worth. Sometimes I wish we just wrote in a notebook, it would've been more organized..

Homework (precal), you suck still.
I was the bigger person last night.
UP; can make me tear up if I deeply watch it.
I'm hurt in four places in/on my body.
Healing in one place inside.
Tomorrow will feel like a Monday.
Meteor showers next week.
I need a haircut.
Japanese soda candy sounds good right now.
History homework is rare.
Black, "baby blue", yellow, green, &mint green.

It's You

2009-11-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

New song again. I always wanted this, but never knew what it was called. Thanks Jer Bear, haha.

You're right, it does relate to every guy. The lyrics are basically my blog;

It's you, it's you, it's you.
It's you (Ooh)

I'm at a lost, don't know what to say to you.
(Mm)Throwing me off, I know what I feel but I can't tell you I do.
See now I know my fights not for myself, my fight's for you.

You're everything I never wanted to want, it's true.
Said you're everything I never wanted to want, it's you.
It's you, it's you, it's you.
It's you, it's you. (Mm) (Ey)

I'll write a song three times a day, but I can't talk to you.
(Ooh)I know what's wrong, I never meant for me to feel like I do (Oh)
If this is love, it sucks cause I don't want it but I do.

You're everything I never wanted to want, it's true.
Said you're everything I never wanted to want, it's you.
It's you, it's you, it's you.
It's you, it's you. (Mm) (Ey)

Just walk away (ay), wipe that smile off your face.
(Hey)I just wish I could say that to you.
But I need you tonight.
Need you tonight...
I need you for life.
Need you for life, life, life.

Said you're everything I never wanted to want, it's true.
Said you're everything I never wanted to want, it's you.
It's you, it's you, it's you.
(Oh woah woah)
It's you, it's you. (Mm) (Ey)

Some of the things said are how I felt, what a coincidence. The bolded areas are the parts that were true. It's pretty much everything, haha. Idk, I'm weird, but I like this song a lot.

"See now I know my fights not for myself, my fight's for you." is my favorite part.

*bracelet on.

One of those Days

2009-11-09T22:19:00.001-08:00

Today wasn't the best, it was never intended to be.
I didn't want to go to school, it sucked.
I didn't do so well during session, it sucked.

I can't handle it. Just being within inches. That's why I tilted the other way.

It's Not Alright

2009-11-08T11:17:00.001-08:00

I would usually say "It's alright." But some of the times it wasn't. I just didn't know how else to put it.

I feel like my world is turned 180, but at the same time it feels like I'm at some other level. I woke up and it was the first thing in my mind. I still can't believe it. My eyes weren't even open and I thought about it. I thought about the good times and it made me pretty sad. One of the first things I see is the Homecoming pictures and thinking about that day just kills me. I thought about my binder and the first thing you see when you open it; all the notes. I'll hate all my classes more now. When I'm not paying attention, I'd usually be doodling your name or making a drawing that just makes me think of you. I'm scared to reach into the desk in 6th period, knowing that there will be nothing. I hate physics more, cause of you. I honestly just didn't want to see today. I didn't want to wake up. I hate knowing that there are a lot of things that'll remind me of you, when you were in my reach. I didn't want to wake up, cause I knew it would get me. Last night, I wasn't so down. I was just like "whatever", but as soon as I was awake a little.. I felt it. Waking up knowing that she isn't in my reach gave me that feeling in my eyes, the feeling when your eyes tingle, when you don't want anything to exit your eyes, so I closed them. After you told me the one thing I didn't want to ever hear, I was just dazed. I couldn't speak. I felt like tearing up just a little. It sucked, so much. The word of the day was fail. I couldn't go a day without saying it once, and at that moment, it felt like a fail moment. Hurts. Seeing the clock wasn't 5:50 when I opened my eyes, left me lost for words. :P I know this stuff happened before, but it's not the same. Nothing I can do can change it. At the same time, I don't want to try to make a change. It's just gonna end the same way. I'm not gonna go for "three's the charm". I can say now, that I can start my junior year differently. Cause it happened to be that this whole thing started in the beginning of the year. Starting tomorrow, it will be entirely different. It doesn't seem that much, but I have that feeling it will be. I don't care what you say, I know things meant stuff. The off week was a sign. Probably my blog before this one was a sign. Why did I have to think about the worst case scenario? It always happens. It seems like this whole thing is a big deal, but it's not actually. I don't know why, but anything that relates to you, is a big deal. Why was I suprised? Maybe because I was just so lost in us. I'm not gonna blame you for the ending. I can say that I helped. I brang up that talk that made you think. Wow, I was the reason that it ends. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut from now on. I agree with you though, I'm just too much. I'm a little pansy, who does too much. I'm just letting it all out, but I guess it's just too much. Too much, too much, too much. When will I ever learn? Whatever. I don't know what else to add on to this. That scar from 8th grade and last summer opened up again, and it's bigger and deeper. This blog song needs to go now. Time for the awkward days and the "healing" process. Yippy, I can't wait.. Oh yeah, my cousin had her baby yesterday. Now whenever it's her birthday, I'll never forget what day in which something this all happened in the morning after. I never got to tell you that, things just had to end so soon.

This blog is confusing. Things will get added when they come to me.

Straight like New

2009-11-06T22:59:00.000-08:00

Hello. As you can see, I have changed my banner thingy. I wanted something like this and it turned out pretty well. I guess this is a start of something new. A new me, trying to live better.

I need to stop freaking out and just chill. After all, I'm like slowly breaking out and it's horrible. Gah, it's the uggs. But yeah, I want to change out of this habit. I've gotten rid of other habits before, so why can't this one be any more difficult? I know I'm a fool who puts so much into something. I just like it so much, I seem to get lost in it. But I'm finding some light, a light of change. Hopefully this light makes things better and not just a trap hole.. I will try to make it better.

This week, for sure, isn't the best week I've had. It sucks. I feel off. I don't feel like myself. I catch myself not feeling comfortable at where I am, physically and mentally. It could be breaking for three days in a row. It all could've just piled all the 'tiredness' on me. Other crews session everyday.. I feel so weak compared to them. I also don't want to make excuses for all this. I know it's all just me. I guess I just didn't want a good day. I know I have the ability to make things good or not, but for some odd reason.. it seems I made it bad. I need to change my ways big time. It sucks not getting what you want. Late night talks I wait for, it just seems as if I'm not putting my all into it. But I can't blame myself, I was pretty tired most of the time. I still strived to make it the best it could be, but it's like it can't reach it. Like, it's not meant to be? It's an off week, no biggie. Tiny things like this shouldn't ruin everything. It's more of a lesson to be learned. Knowing what to do and what not to do; don't say this, don't think about that, don't do all of this. There's always general things that's normal though, that always shows up. Laughter, sadness, smiles, and confusion. It's natural and I need to get it though my head. "Mic check, 1, 2, 3, can you hear me?" says my conscious. It's always there, but I seem to be slacking off in listening to it lately. My mind is just getting so cluttered. There's always this in my head and that and some of these. I need that magical medicine to clear things up and organize what should be thought about and what shouldn't. Oh man, how much that would help. Too bad things like that don't exist, so we rely on what's real. We're real, so we must rely on ourselves. Sometimes you just need to also not be conceited and actually rely on others. I mean "If you get hungry, steal other people's food." It may sound wrong, but keep reading it and realize it's meaning. I got it from a fellow bboy who got it from another fellow bboy. It's not like you'll ever live a life without idols and rolemodels. There's always a person or people that you follow, not entirely but some of the time. Friends are key. They say the slang you have is always familiar around your group. They'll always know the inside jokes and nick names and etc. We all influence eachother, so let's not be shady and help eachother. I got off topic, but yeah. I'm all in for this change. I seem to tell myself that I'm gonna change, but never actually kept my word. This one isn't "different", it's just better. It has benefits. Might as well take the chance. All for a person? Hm, maybe.. maybe not. I know I'm involved, so it must be for more than one.

I'm gonna cut here, if I have anything in mind.. I'll just blog it seperately. Haha.

Bittersweet Poetry

2009-11-02T22:34:00.001-08:00

is how it feels like, yet I don't have any poetry.

I should be doing my English homework, but I needed to input this blog now or else I would've gotten carried away. I don't even blog like this anymore. Well anywho, I don't know why but things don't feel right. It feels a little off. Is it cause of it's a Monday or what? I don't know what happeneded that made things like this. I'm probably just over-reacting on this whole situation, but it just doesn't sync with me. I know I'm the one to over think everything, but I just need to get this out myself. I just have a feeling that tonight isn't gonna be how I want it to be. I'm gonna try to not make it that way. I just need a sign that everything's okay. I don't want to fall now, I'm too high up here. All this work, but no reward.. but there is an award. She is it. It's as if I'm getting gold medals and trophys everyday; when I wake up, sleep, and even talk at night. Corny, I know. I try oh so hard to be like this (sarcasm inserted). I don't want to stress, it's just too much. Why can't "chill pills" be actually real? Not no stupid "thizz" pills or whatever. Even so, I'd be overdosed of them. I need to chill, be at 0 degrees. Just damn. First nose bleed in hella long.. is that a sign of something? or is it just the weather? Please let it be the weather. Well that's why "life is a struggle, you're suppose to sweat" (No Rest for the Weary - Blue Scholars). At least tomorrow is gonna be the last day before this mini break. I want everything to be the way I want it to be. I may sound greedy, but it's what makes me happy. That note.. "let's not stop." Hah, only you could see that part. It's yours anyways. I hate how I talk in such a mystery, cause you hate it. Okay, time to stop. Bye. Ciao. Au' revoir.

*I guess there's nothing wrong, it's just me.. like always.

"I just wanna be the one to serve you, Sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve you, I cherish every moment that we share."

All Hollows Eve

2009-11-01T01:19:00.000-07:00

Today was alright kind of day. Let's break it down;

Well, to start it off, would be the start of my day. I've got to say.. it was the best part of my day. (:
It was pretty dark and foggy, pretty weird since it wasn't like that all week. Then it was brighter, but misty when I left.

The rest of the day goes like this. I took a nap after I got back, but woke up at 1. I got up to eat then cleaned myself up. I started to pack my stuff for the sleepover. Got my boxers, socks, toothbrush, and all that jazz. Unfortunately, my dad wouldn't let me.. -___- It wasn't so good for me. Eventually, I got to go.. but I couldn't sleep over. I just went to chill with most of the Raskulz. We just bonded more, haha. We eventually left to go to Andrew's, then to buy some chips, then to the mall to get Maureen and to see Allen at Bounce-a-rama. We were about to get free tacos at Taco Bell, but time was running out. We did go to Starbucks. Strawberry Water isn't worth how much it costs. $1.60.. -___- for a tall, A TALL! It ran out so quick. We got picked up by Allen Vu's sister, then just chilled again in his room. We eventually thought of something to do. Hah, I won't tell, but it was pretty damn fun. We thought there was a ghost car following us. It was so scary, it was actually following us, but it made a turn somewhere else. After we got back, we all just chilled in his TV room or whatever you call it. They were singing through a mic like a kareoke and even went on Myspace Kareoke. From there on, it was pretty much like that. I eventually called my dad to pick me up then arrived home. My brother's birthday party was still going on and I hoped that no one fcked up my room. No one did, so I was glad. Showered then went to play Left 4 Dead with my cousin. Pretty much, yeah. I only went to two houses to get candy. Yawp, not much but still a good day.

This pig is from Bounce-a-rama. There is a giant plush teddy bear thingy you can win. It's 30,000 tickets. I WANT IT! Hahaha, I'm a loser. :D

&I changed my song!

"I'll try real hard not to lose her, And I'll try to be less of a loser, Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you, And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love, Sure as the stars above.. (the rest not so good, haha.) "

Happy Birthday Ashley

2009-10-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

Nguyen! I hope you have a great day and may your wishes come true & such. Hah. Shweet 16! Okay, just a quick blog for you. Stussy V-Neck, wahhh?! (;

Again, HAHAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHLEY M. A. NGUYEN! (:

&thanks for the bracelet, I adore it.

*picture to be here, if any taken.

"You have stolen my, you have stolen my, you have stolen my, heart."

Morning Rendezvous

2009-10-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

I think this morning was successful. It didn't go according to plan, but I'm beyond satisfied. Jogging on the train tracks to the spot. I can say that I feel really happy. In a way, we're cute. Hah, lame, but it is what it is. I loved every moment, I really wished that I didn't have to leave. Ah well. :P I took a different way home though. There were construction workers, so I took the regular sidewalk. It's weird, I didn't really know people are out walking/jogging/biking in the morning. All throughout walking home, I felt comfortable. I felt as if I was at home. Milpitas is a pretty comfortable town and I'm proud that I can call it "home". It's not big like SJ or SF, which makes everyone who live here a lot more closer. Anywho, I got hungry when I got home so I cooked 3 mini pork buns and ate a bowl of Fruit Loops, all while watching morning TV. I almost forgot we had "Saturday morning cartoons" still. Nothing much was on, besides Spongebob. Did I ever mention that I will never get bored of watching that show. I even asked Mark's brother for his Spongebob crown from Burger King. It's pretty cool, haha. I took a nap after eating and I ended up falling asleep. Bed at 10:30, got up at 1:30. I was like "Damn." It felt weird, as if it was a whole different day. For some reason, my head was telling me that I was having "3D" dreams. Hahaha, so weird. Now I'm here, after eating again. Today is mother's birthday party. I hope it's good, not just for me, but for her. I LAAAVE MY MOTHER! Haha, alrighh. Late lates!

"I feel like I just seen the sun for the first time. You make my life bright cause you shine."

This Week is Boring

2009-10-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

This week is so boring. There's nothing to look forward to. I mean there are things, but no set things. I plan to escape from my house in a few days. That's the only thing set in mind. I've been home most of the week so far. Monday was the only day I didnt' come and stayed home early. 7 to Smoke. I won 3 times, I felt proud. I had to intention of winning though. Most of the time, I didn't realize the music, I was only focused on what I'm gonna do. Who knew I hit a few beats. That time was one of the only times where I didn't blank out and made up shizz. I actually had things planned out, but not quite executed as how I wanted it to be. Still dope though. Other than that day, I did nothing. I wanted to not even go to school Wednesday, but it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways. I happened to finish some work though. I should be doing work right now. :P Random, useless, updated blog.

"oh, it's what you do to me. oh, it's what you do to me. oh, it's what you do to me."

Coming, Home

2009-10-18T17:07:00.000-07:00

Well, to start it off, we'll start from Friday: Homecoming Rally / Game.
Rally was dope, the first one I mean. Second = piece of shiiiii.
1st was the best this time.

that is why.

The game was cool too. Didn't pay much attention to it though. We won, that's all that matters. I just liked how everything went. Candy throwing, extra credit points, and A.

Saturday: Homecoming Dance.

I decided to start fixing my hair at 2:30, thinking it wouldn't cooperate with me. It eventually did. It was perfect, but I had almost 3 hours left. -___- Hairspray almost every 20 minutes to be cautious, bad mistake. It ended up so hard that it lasted the whole night. Killed time doing nothing til 4:40, when I started to get ready. I wanted to start later, but I was just so bored. Had everything on, adjusted what needed to be adjusted, then the tie.. Trying to fix my tie made me sweat so much, it annoyed me. I eventually got a decent looking end, so I kept it. My dad came home then I left with Greg. We picked up Trevor then headed to Meera's. One of the first things I saw when walking to door was beauty, haha.

She looked so damn nice.

Though, I kept it inside. We almost perfectly matched too. All of us waited for the remaining people to come. Took pictures in the back with all of us. After that, we all headed out to school. We took pictures first and it was pretty quick, since we were pretty early. Our friends cutted everybody, but no one complained. Ashley and I used a pose we practiced. I think my smile sucks. The dance was great. Sweated like crazy, like it was a desert, haha. It felt so fast though, but it is by far, the best one I've been too. A few of us went to Tapioca for drinks then Blockbuster, which was closed. Then Meera's for the after-homecoming. Just a chill hang out. We had $80-something worth of pizza, lasagna, and breadsticks. I only ate a slice of pizza and a little lasagna. We watched I Love You, Man. I never finished the movie, but the ending was coo. We played Mafia and Killer after. Pretty intense stuff. I liked the whole thing. I suck at thumb wars though. Headed home at 3:30 and slept at like 3:50. Day and Night was the closest to perfect. I liked everything, how it went, and how it ended. <3

Thank you, Ashley Nguyen.

She's fine too, but I want You

2009-10-12T21:47:00.001-07:00

You already know. (;

I have a lot more where that came from, like infinite ammunition.

Like this and that

2009-10-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

I will try.

Duh, dipsh*t

2009-10-08T20:43:00.001-07:00

I feel like a jerk. I'm sorry. I'll try to make it up to you. I deserve a fall to my face again.

Heroes and Villains

2009-10-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been inspired?

Have you ever been inspired by a person?

Have you ever been inspired by some people?

.. who hasn't?

I know I've been inspired by people. They're like stepping stones to becoming you. For example, bboying. I have inspirations and I just want to be like them, but make myself.. me. I'm not the type to bite, but the type to improvise. It's hard to know if people do this or that for me. I rarely watch videos of battles or showcases or whatever. I'm just being me. My inspirations, they're a part of me. I wouldn't be who I am now without them. One of my biggest inspirations at the moment would be my crew, Rhythm Raskulz. They help me strive to be better. It's hard to say that they they're not my inspirations. I see them almost everyday and break with them everytime. We all brush off each other. We help each other become the best we can be. It just amazes me when I look at my crew. People have no idea, but it's just like "DAMN, my crew is fucking sick."

Doubts&Doubted. I know I've been doubted. It never stopped me. I just prove the doubters wrong. I came from nothing to something. I mean, look at me now. I'm in a crew and we're getting up there and falling is not an option. It's like "hot lava." Haha. They'll all see. They'll all see us. They'll all see us takeover. Doubt is just another reason to get better. Without doubt, we're not pushed. We can't all just live in happiness. We need all this hate. It feeds us. It lights our soul on fire. It sharpens us. It allows us to kill.. "cats on the floor." We're just rising.

---

Life:
sucks. I hate physics. Like seriously, UGH!!
I've been okay the past few days.
&Yeah. RR all day.

I Never Lit a Match with Intention to Start a Fire

2009-10-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

So, I'm getting better. These hideous injuries.. I came back from practice and looked in the mirror. It got worse, kinda. Like to point where it's really noticeable. Damn turf, damn me. I look so.. ugh. FUCK MY LIFE, seriously. -_________- Homecoming is coming near, and this stupid shizz on my face is effin' destroying me. *big sigh..

I woke up early today. I never slept so early last night. All for the sake of walking. Oringial plan failed, like always with me, hahaha. The hoodlum and I just walked to school, no Starbucks. I think we could've made it. Maybe another day. Cause life is about taking chances and I live on the edge of life, as you can see. >:)

I'm the lucky one. (:

Burning Sensation

2009-09-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

Earlier has to be a fail. Sorry. It hurts kinda, but really just has a burning feeling. I just hope it gets REALLY better by Homecoming. Sorry, again. Thanks for the care.

btw people, I'm going to Homecoming. *highfive!

Days are Hanging

2009-09-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

I've been up for about 17 hours so far. Why? I have reasons. I did something I never done before. We all have our first's. But this one, this one is one for the records. One of the best firsts. Even though it was scary and heart-pumping, it was overall: great. I couldn't ask for more. I'd rather live with the experience of making "what would happen if" came true, than just saying it. Saying something is one thing, but doing something is another. That quote was apparentley stuck in my head for a while. At least I have my own way out of a place, haha. You'll never figure it out, people. Talking and making you wonder; it's what I like to do and I'm pretty good at it. It's me, you should accept it. By the way, this area of talk is around the time of.. 8AM. From there on, my life sucked. Like, you wouldn't understand how I was feeling.. but you probably could. It's just.. idk. I hate it, it's annoying. It's like a disease. Their mood just passes on to me. It's contagious. I hate it. Why can't they just stop acting like kids. I mean, they are adults. *pee break.. Back. On a better note: I finished my project and changed my song & picture on this page. Doesn't the picture look so epic? I love the epic mood. It fills me up with joy, hah. Details, where are the details? I'd rather not post the details anymore and just make it short and sweet. In no particular order: Goldilocks, Guest Room, BBQ, Project, Costco, JOGGING, Walmart, Union City. Btw, I was first-aid at the St. John's Autumn Festival. I was wearing the green stiped sweater. That was fun, but not to what I wanted it to be like. Oh well, byeee.

Dearest Ashley;

2009-09-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

awsley (8:35:00 PM): write a blog about Ashley Nguyen

Hello Ashley M** A** Nguyen, this is a blog for you. Now that I think of what to write, I can't think of what to write. There's so much to say, I really don't know where to start. To start it off, I still can't get over about the 6AM plan. I really would've, it makes me feel like a btch. Haha, nah, but I did feel bad. I hope you sell your cookie dough. When I buy a tub, we'll make pig-shaped cookies. (@:3 <- Pig! Enough of this nonsense, you're a coo cat. I can't go a night without a chat that'll last for hours.. or else I wake up late. Oh Ashley, you're so weird. Everything you tell me gives me a good laugh, and I don't want it to stop. Just your whole being just keeps a smile on my face for days. Whether it be laughing at your funny memories, laughing at you, or just straight up smiling, it's just great. My face would sometimes hurt from all that, in a good way. Come to think of it, I've only known you for 4 years. I feel like I know enough about you, but I want to know more if there is any stuff. It was in the 8th grade, we had Spanish together. I knew of you. Then during that Renaissance Rally, that's where I chose to know you. I remember making that note about giving people compliments in Spanish. My hand writing really sucked back then. Freshmen year, where were you? I really don't remember seeing you as much. We had Geometry together for a semester. Then after that, you were missing. You'd mostly be mentioned by a certain someone. Those would be the only times I'd here about you. Sophomore year, we had Spanish 3 together. You'd always leave your seat and seat near me cause that side sucked. I would always see you playing Egyptian War or whatever later in the year. Then we'd always walk to your locker. That's when you found my Swine Flu mask in my jacket, haha. That year made a change. Summer before this year, we'd bike and jog. Jogging failed, we suck. The only part I liked about it would just be the talking. Getting goose bumps from ghost stories and talking about life in general. I missed that one chance to watch 500 Days of Summer on my last day of summer. Chance lost. Then this year rolled up, no classes. We just have one similiar teacher. The one teacher I hate the most compared to the one we hated last year. From Feige to Fowler. HEY, they both start with a F. Seriously though, always my 6th period where I get the teachers I don't like. I don't know how much I can endure of him. I really don't like him. With this year, it brought fear of your dad. Ever since that incident, haha. I thought it was some crazy phone application. Damn damn damn, he instilled fear into my heart. House phone scares me now. You should breakdance, I'm telling you. So after you win a game of tennis, you can bust out a move or two. But you won't be able to do that to me, cause I am the TENNIS PRODIGY. You just gotta know.. yeah. I have so much more to say, but that'll be saved for another day if it's the right day(s).

But yeah, Ashley, I want to ask you something..
Ashley Nguyen,

What's good? (:

Day of Rest

2009-09-20T20:43:00.001-07:00

Today was and is the day of rest. The day where I don't have to practice stuff nor do homework and be able to be 'free' for a while. I didn't have to front about having things done or anything.

It could've been better, however. I just needed to not fall asleep. I would've been there, trust me, I would've. For a chance like that, and I blew it. It still makes me sad that I flaked. I blame that 4AM hunger and vibration mode. Things were looking good after I got up though. I ate Corn Pops for the first time in a while and got KFC after. Then Ashley came over. Fowler sucks, I hate his class. I helped her with her graph and junk. Then after about 15 minutes. It was "free time". We tried watching Sorority Row and The Time Travel(ing)er's Wife, but both failed. Parental Control, Penis and Perve, Spongebob, and some monk movie. Sharpies, hair gel, toy to the head, and ice cream. Many, but not all highlights. Today couldn't get any better after that. I know I said it could be, but after realizing everything.. I wouldn't want to change any of it. After about a few hours, we biked and split paths. I headed to Mark's to chill. We talked about our usual stuff. The same 'ol, same 'ol. Then left to here, home, to eat more KFC. While eating, I got a disturbing text. The picture was horrid and eye-blinding. Bleh, haha. If it makes you happy, then I'm fine with it. Baaaaaai.

*picture off cause a loser. (:

I will Try

2009-09-19T01:28:00.000-07:00

Well to start this off, I am doing homework and hoping to finish all before I sleep. This all just so my weekend could be swell.

I never really looked into a person's eyes in a real long time.

No lie, I haven't. I have a thing where I can't really look into people's eyes when we're conversating or whatever. But, I did. I did look into a person's eyes. No feeling of fear or nervousness. And I liked it, I really did. To this moment I still do. It was as if things couldn't get any better the way things are. Hoorah!

&on another note; We all need to just chill.

Lows to Highs

2009-09-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

I'm really at a lost for words right now. I'm here in 4th period having free time and just getting stuff out of my mind.

I'm still sore in like the worst places, its basically holding me back from breaking. Im glad though, cause i wouldnt want to bust something before important dates. I almost pulled a muscle last night. I just randomly got up and felt my muscles tightening up. I think i stretched or something. Speaking of last night.. what a night. It really affected how this day started and how its gonna be like. This iffy feeling i had, just like.. Feels worse. There are just things that shouldnt be told, but should just come out naturally, when the time is right. I thought things couldnt get worse before the whole thing, but it always seem to do. Oh well, i just hope everything wont feel as weird as now. I like the normal weird, not the awkward weird. *sighhhhhhhh. Good thing its the end of the school week cause i wouldnt want to feel like this during school. The weekend better make up for it... but i never really have plans. If i have more things that comes up, ill update this post. Fit later too.

I need a punch to the face right now.

*edit* all i can say now is that.. Everything is better, the way it should be. Im happy. (:

MHS on the news ftw! Let it be good!

Fridays are alright days.

2009-09-05T11:35:00.001-07:00

It wasn't the best day. Sorry this blog is a bit late. Eh, to sum it up: didn't go to the football game, breaked at the park, and have hella precal hw.

FIT!

Better in time.

2009-09-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

Hopefully things will be. School, homework, my LL, & life.

Did I ever say how I really don't like my physics class? Hahaa, no hate but I can't do shit in that class. Pay attention nor understand. Tsk tsk to me. Hw calls, bye quick blog.

*new blog picture :D

What to say.

2009-09-02T22:10:00.001-07:00

I have no clear thing to write about, so here's what's in my head and such:
- Getting you in trouble is one of my highlights of the week.
- I still can't believe it was the house phone.
- My teeth hella hurt.
- Today has got to be by far, the most boringest day of the school year.
- I haven't got a comment on my myspace in like 2 weeks, what a record.
- New phone and I'm still bored.
- "how can you be so heartless?"
- Need to pay art fee.
- Physics hw is still complicated.
- It's only 10:14.
- Need to "up" my breaking shit.
- Trying to stick to ONE, and only one.
- Temptation's a btch.
- Jeans are getting soft.
- I'm losing who I am.
- WHEN AM I GONNA START MY DRIVING CLASSES?!
- Fienin' for that scrilla.
- She's fine too, but I want.. You.
- ^Lyrics match me perfectly.
- I feel like I'm missing something.
- Also I need to do something, but I cannot remember.
- Why is the weather still effing hot?
- 1st period: none, 2nd: none, 3rd: $, 4th: none, 5th: done, 6th: 1/2 way not done.
- Fowler is one weird guy.
- He actually makes things more complicated as they are; "Don't use your way, use mine. It works better."
- ^uh, no it doesn't dipsh*t.
- Freshmens, show yourselves. Meet me in the cyphers. Haha!
- Life needs a shot in the head.
- I need a new default for myspace.
- I have no actual "Junior" pictures.
- The picture on this place needs to change too.
- WADAFXUP?
- La Ron - On Your Skin.

Goodbye. <^> <^>

*now on my myspace! biters will be eaten.

(500) Days of Summer.

2009-08-29T23:25:00.000-07:00

is not about summer. Actually it is about Summer, but not necessarily about summer. Get it? Hah. You don't need to watch it in the summer for the perfect feel. Movie was alright. I thought it could've been better. But it's coo, quality > quantity. If you know what I mean.(; I think they took out a scene. I saw it in the commercial, but don't remember seeing it in the actual movie. I missed the trailers though; "the best part of the movie". At least I got to see the whole thing though. We waited for our rides to come. We were watching these little indian kids and their dad taking pictures. They were pretty funny, especially the little boy. I don't recall anybody doing the "bunny ears" thing anymore. Seems like Ashley still does. *sigh. Talked about school and what not. Then I was off to my cousin's house. It was okay, pretty boring. I wish there was more food, but it was a small gathering so it's coo. I finally put my hair up in days. It took really long just for it to get up. I guess I figured out the technique. It looked good. Haircut finally kicked in, yay. It was crazy hot today too. I hate the heat. It's easier to get warm then to be cold. Smh at the weather.

All in all, today was a good day.

First day.

2009-08-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

First day was alright. I just liked seeing who was in my class. I have at least 1 or more friends in my classes. No more DBA. I will see which class will be my favorite or favorites. This year does feel weird; like it's incomplete. Maybe because of the graduated seniors. Oh well, this will break in later like my denim. Ya' dig?! Breaking afterschool was coo. We did the "octagon" finally. It wasn't a fail nor a success, it was just whatever. Giants just got owned right now.. -____-. I'm pretty tired, haha, goodnight.

Up to the date.

2009-08-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

This new year has already started. No more one word titles. No more BOLDING. Let's just start new, yeah? In a few I'll probably change up this look.. maybe. Well, my hair is mostly off and I'm stacheless for school. Like what Mark and I have been saying, we're gonna break necks. HAH. Hopefully I'll look somewhat clean on the first day of school. My schedule, I don't even remember it. I always seem to forget it. All I know is that I'm not excited for class, just the feeling of seeing my friends 85% of the week. So let's recap my summer: did this, did that, about to do this, didn't want to do that, etc. Let's make this short and simple; Like I always tell everybody who asked me how was my summer: it was alright. I know this summer sucked, but I had the feeling it was going to suck. How was my summer love? I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't have one. Maybe some crushes, but those are just crushes. I never had a blog saying "I wait for you, just like the sun. Just something beautiful to start my day" or "I need your more than most words need vowels, that's just how much sense we make." I never had those moments this summer, I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. Oh well, it won't change much during school. I'm gonna try to be hella focused on school. From what I heard, this is the most important year. I can't screw up. I'm not trying to be the "cool ass lazy guy" this year. I can't accept a fuck'n D in any class, nor a C. B's are coo. Time to get serious. Why so serious? Cause I is btch, hah.

I think I made a big mistake. I missed an opportunity tonight. What the fuck. It's a choice I made by myself too. Damn, I don't know though. Could've been a highlight of the summer, since it is my last "real day" of summer. I'm going camping tomorrow til Sunday. *Sigh. Hopefully it'll help me sleep better though. I sleep at like between 2-5am. *Sigh sigh sigh. 3 is my favorite number. Goodbye, see you soon.

Another

2009-08-11T00:36:00.000-07:00

cutie. This one actually. vv

Damn, she's like the cutes of some cutes. Too bad they lost, hah.

Monopoly

2009-08-07T00:09:00.001-07:00

Newly made friends & online Monopoly for the first time.

What's better is that I won, haha. Beat Rolo who's pro. Maybe it was luck. Or maybe by playing a lot with friends, but we didn't play with the real rules. Lulz. (This was two days ago though, haha.)

Today, had to get up to one of the best sleep ever. Ate cereal, then biked to the school. Met up with the guys then I got to cut to get my registration packet. I feel bad, but oh well. Got it then headed out with Mark and Steven. Stopped by to see Kristina cause we were visiting people kinda. Exchanged hello's and bye's, then headed to the twin's. We were suppose to visit Michelle D, but she wasn't home. Stuff happened there so we left. We were hungry so we finally decided to eat at Burrito Express. After the grub we went to see Mariel. Played Rockband then talked when Kristina came over. We got bored so we headed out to the park. I jumped off the swings to see how high I can get. I tried to spin, but that didn't work out. During mid-air I was thinking "What the, am I on the ground yet?" It felt as if time stopped for a little. I landed, but it hurted. We all went to walk Mark home. It was one of the longest walks ever. When we got there, we just dunked around on his court. Played Horse, then Steven and Mark eventually went one on one. Raw Mark got to see someone. (; Jerry also came. He was jammin' with his guitar. He's pretty hella good, haha. We left and got dropped home by Jerry. That's pretty much my day. Hopefully tomorrow will be fun and successful.

Caught

2009-08-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

Haha, what losers on Omegle.

Stranger: female looking for female to trade naughty pics with

You: sup bitch got a problem?

You: youre a dude you queer

You: stop acting like your not, trying to get shit

You: you little nerd

Stranger: yeah your mom didnt like my cunt good

You: oh wow

You: my mom's been gone for about 15 years now

You: good try

Stranger: i know shes been here

You: oh no

You: that's impossible

You: cause youre only 13

Stranger: actually 20 bitch, shows how much you know

You: haha

You: a 20 year old pretending he's a girl?!

You: hahahahha

You: asking for "naughty pictures"

You: hahahhaa
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

*i was kidding about my mom, she's still here.<3

Some

2009-08-01T02:54:00.000-07:00

"You gain some, you lose some."

Life is really complicated than you normally think. After a talk with some friends it makes you think how you're gonna live life. Who will be your friends in the future? What will you be doing? What's going to be more important to you? I hate thinking about my future. That's one thing I rarely do. I believe that if you think about it, you'll be stressed and junk. Just live the present, don't let it go to waste. Cause you can't get back that time anymore, there are no time machines right now..

Planning on the other hand is hard, well for me it is. I'm not much of a planner; I make bad plans. I'm really confused about what my schedule for the upcoming weeks are. I need to live up the last weeks of this boring summer. I'm sorry, I just can't hang out with people I'm not very close to anymore. I know I'll be awkward. &"Don't worry, you won't feel awkward" will never work on me. That's just like saying "this won't hurt a bit."

"I've been waiting, I've been waiting for this moment all my life."

Omegle

2009-07-30T02:03:00.000-07:00

HAHAHA, THIS SHHT IS FUN!

Oh the laughs. Oh how long I haven't blogged. Oh goodbye.

FVCK

2009-07-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

this summer.

I is an insomniac. This summer is by far one of the most boring ones. I'm home most of the week. Someone save me. I also can't sleep early. Which is bad bad bad. I know I will be late for the first day of school and look like sh!t. I am also a lazy guy. I is kinda tired, but still not sleepy. I need Nyquil or something..

i is a tiny basturd. *hellza old.

SUP

2009-07-16T23:07:00.000-07:00

just the first one. (;

nice pickups Chris&Mawk.

$$$

2009-07-15T00:14:00.001-07:00

Haha, I spent like $185 in the past two days.. &I couldn't be any more happy. thumbs up for me! Pick up pictures when everything has arrived. (:

I need more money.