Today wasn't the best, it was never intended to be.
I didn't want to go to school, it sucked.
I didn't do so well during session, it sucked.
I can't handle it. Just being within inches. That's why I tilted the other way.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
It's Not Alright
I would usually say "It's alright." But some of the times it wasn't. I just didn't know how else to put it.
I feel like my world is turned 180, but at the same time it feels like I'm at some other level. I woke up and it was the first thing in my mind. I still can't believe it. My eyes weren't even open and I thought about it. I thought about the good times and it made me pretty sad. One of the first things I see is the Homecoming pictures and thinking about that day just kills me. I thought about my binder and the first thing you see when you open it; all the notes. I'll hate all my classes more now. When I'm not paying attention, I'd usually be doodling your name or making a drawing that just makes me think of you. I'm scared to reach into the desk in 6th period, knowing that there will be nothing. I hate physics more, cause of you. I honestly just didn't want to see today. I didn't want to wake up. I hate knowing that there are a lot of things that'll remind me of you, when you were in my reach. I didn't want to wake up, cause I knew it would get me. Last night, I wasn't so down. I was just like "whatever", but as soon as I was awake a little.. I felt it. Waking up knowing that she isn't in my reach gave me that feeling in my eyes, the feeling when your eyes tingle, when you don't want anything to exit your eyes, so I closed them. After you told me the one thing I didn't want to ever hear, I was just dazed. I couldn't speak. I felt like tearing up just a little. It sucked, so much. The word of the day was fail. I couldn't go a day without saying it once, and at that moment, it felt like a fail moment. Hurts. Seeing the clock wasn't 5:50 when I opened my eyes, left me lost for words. :P I know this stuff happened before, but it's not the same. Nothing I can do can change it. At the same time, I don't want to try to make a change. It's just gonna end the same way. I'm not gonna go for "three's the charm". I can say now, that I can start my junior year differently. Cause it happened to be that this whole thing started in the beginning of the year. Starting tomorrow, it will be entirely different. It doesn't seem that much, but I have that feeling it will be. I don't care what you say, I know things meant stuff. The off week was a sign. Probably my blog before this one was a sign. Why did I have to think about the worst case scenario? It always happens. It seems like this whole thing is a big deal, but it's not actually. I don't know why, but anything that relates to you, is a big deal. Why was I suprised? Maybe because I was just so lost in us. I'm not gonna blame you for the ending. I can say that I helped. I brang up that talk that made you think. Wow, I was the reason that it ends. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut from now on. I agree with you though, I'm just too much. I'm a little pansy, who does too much. I'm just letting it all out, but I guess it's just too much. Too much, too much, too much. When will I ever learn? Whatever. I don't know what else to add on to this. That scar from 8th grade and last summer opened up again, and it's bigger and deeper. This blog song needs to go now. Time for the awkward days and the "healing" process. Yippy, I can't wait.. Oh yeah, my cousin had her baby yesterday. Now whenever it's her birthday, I'll never forget what day in which something this all happened in the morning after. I never got to tell you that, things just had to end so soon.
This blog is confusing. Things will get added when they come to me.
I feel like my world is turned 180, but at the same time it feels like I'm at some other level. I woke up and it was the first thing in my mind. I still can't believe it. My eyes weren't even open and I thought about it. I thought about the good times and it made me pretty sad. One of the first things I see is the Homecoming pictures and thinking about that day just kills me. I thought about my binder and the first thing you see when you open it; all the notes. I'll hate all my classes more now. When I'm not paying attention, I'd usually be doodling your name or making a drawing that just makes me think of you. I'm scared to reach into the desk in 6th period, knowing that there will be nothing. I hate physics more, cause of you. I honestly just didn't want to see today. I didn't want to wake up. I hate knowing that there are a lot of things that'll remind me of you, when you were in my reach. I didn't want to wake up, cause I knew it would get me. Last night, I wasn't so down. I was just like "whatever", but as soon as I was awake a little.. I felt it. Waking up knowing that she isn't in my reach gave me that feeling in my eyes, the feeling when your eyes tingle, when you don't want anything to exit your eyes, so I closed them. After you told me the one thing I didn't want to ever hear, I was just dazed. I couldn't speak. I felt like tearing up just a little. It sucked, so much. The word of the day was fail. I couldn't go a day without saying it once, and at that moment, it felt like a fail moment. Hurts. Seeing the clock wasn't 5:50 when I opened my eyes, left me lost for words. :P I know this stuff happened before, but it's not the same. Nothing I can do can change it. At the same time, I don't want to try to make a change. It's just gonna end the same way. I'm not gonna go for "three's the charm". I can say now, that I can start my junior year differently. Cause it happened to be that this whole thing started in the beginning of the year. Starting tomorrow, it will be entirely different. It doesn't seem that much, but I have that feeling it will be. I don't care what you say, I know things meant stuff. The off week was a sign. Probably my blog before this one was a sign. Why did I have to think about the worst case scenario? It always happens. It seems like this whole thing is a big deal, but it's not actually. I don't know why, but anything that relates to you, is a big deal. Why was I suprised? Maybe because I was just so lost in us. I'm not gonna blame you for the ending. I can say that I helped. I brang up that talk that made you think. Wow, I was the reason that it ends. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut from now on. I agree with you though, I'm just too much. I'm a little pansy, who does too much. I'm just letting it all out, but I guess it's just too much. Too much, too much, too much. When will I ever learn? Whatever. I don't know what else to add on to this. That scar from 8th grade and last summer opened up again, and it's bigger and deeper. This blog song needs to go now. Time for the awkward days and the "healing" process. Yippy, I can't wait.. Oh yeah, my cousin had her baby yesterday. Now whenever it's her birthday, I'll never forget what day in which something this all happened in the morning after. I never got to tell you that, things just had to end so soon.
This blog is confusing. Things will get added when they come to me.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Straight like New
Hello. As you can see, I have changed my banner thingy. I wanted something like this and it turned out pretty well. I guess this is a start of something new. A new me, trying to live better.
I need to stop freaking out and just chill. After all, I'm like slowly breaking out and it's horrible. Gah, it's the uggs. But yeah, I want to change out of this habit. I've gotten rid of other habits before, so why can't this one be any more difficult? I know I'm a fool who puts so much into something. I just like it so much, I seem to get lost in it. But I'm finding some light, a light of change. Hopefully this light makes things better and not just a trap hole.. I will try to make it better.
This week, for sure, isn't the best week I've had. It sucks. I feel off. I don't feel like myself. I catch myself not feeling comfortable at where I am, physically and mentally. It could be breaking for three days in a row. It all could've just piled all the 'tiredness' on me. Other crews session everyday.. I feel so weak compared to them. I also don't want to make excuses for all this. I know it's all just me. I guess I just didn't want a good day. I know I have the ability to make things good or not, but for some odd reason.. it seems I made it bad. I need to change my ways big time. It sucks not getting what you want. Late night talks I wait for, it just seems as if I'm not putting my all into it. But I can't blame myself, I was pretty tired most of the time. I still strived to make it the best it could be, but it's like it can't reach it. Like, it's not meant to be? It's an off week, no biggie. Tiny things like this shouldn't ruin everything. It's more of a lesson to be learned. Knowing what to do and what not to do; don't say this, don't think about that, don't do all of this. There's always general things that's normal though, that always shows up. Laughter, sadness, smiles, and confusion. It's natural and I need to get it though my head. "Mic check, 1, 2, 3, can you hear me?" says my conscious. It's always there, but I seem to be slacking off in listening to it lately. My mind is just getting so cluttered. There's always this in my head and that and some of these. I need that magical medicine to clear things up and organize what should be thought about and what shouldn't. Oh man, how much that would help. Too bad things like that don't exist, so we rely on what's real. We're real, so we must rely on ourselves. Sometimes you just need to also not be conceited and actually rely on others. I mean "If you get hungry, steal other people's food." It may sound wrong, but keep reading it and realize it's meaning. I got it from a fellow bboy who got it from another fellow bboy. It's not like you'll ever live a life without idols and rolemodels. There's always a person or people that you follow, not entirely but some of the time. Friends are key. They say the slang you have is always familiar around your group. They'll always know the inside jokes and nick names and etc. We all influence eachother, so let's not be shady and help eachother. I got off topic, but yeah. I'm all in for this change. I seem to tell myself that I'm gonna change, but never actually kept my word. This one isn't "different", it's just better. It has benefits. Might as well take the chance. All for a person? Hm, maybe.. maybe not. I know I'm involved, so it must be for more than one.
I'm gonna cut here, if I have anything in mind.. I'll just blog it seperately. Haha.
I need to stop freaking out and just chill. After all, I'm like slowly breaking out and it's horrible. Gah, it's the uggs. But yeah, I want to change out of this habit. I've gotten rid of other habits before, so why can't this one be any more difficult? I know I'm a fool who puts so much into something. I just like it so much, I seem to get lost in it. But I'm finding some light, a light of change. Hopefully this light makes things better and not just a trap hole.. I will try to make it better.
This week, for sure, isn't the best week I've had. It sucks. I feel off. I don't feel like myself. I catch myself not feeling comfortable at where I am, physically and mentally. It could be breaking for three days in a row. It all could've just piled all the 'tiredness' on me. Other crews session everyday.. I feel so weak compared to them. I also don't want to make excuses for all this. I know it's all just me. I guess I just didn't want a good day. I know I have the ability to make things good or not, but for some odd reason.. it seems I made it bad. I need to change my ways big time. It sucks not getting what you want. Late night talks I wait for, it just seems as if I'm not putting my all into it. But I can't blame myself, I was pretty tired most of the time. I still strived to make it the best it could be, but it's like it can't reach it. Like, it's not meant to be? It's an off week, no biggie. Tiny things like this shouldn't ruin everything. It's more of a lesson to be learned. Knowing what to do and what not to do; don't say this, don't think about that, don't do all of this. There's always general things that's normal though, that always shows up. Laughter, sadness, smiles, and confusion. It's natural and I need to get it though my head. "Mic check, 1, 2, 3, can you hear me?" says my conscious. It's always there, but I seem to be slacking off in listening to it lately. My mind is just getting so cluttered. There's always this in my head and that and some of these. I need that magical medicine to clear things up and organize what should be thought about and what shouldn't. Oh man, how much that would help. Too bad things like that don't exist, so we rely on what's real. We're real, so we must rely on ourselves. Sometimes you just need to also not be conceited and actually rely on others. I mean "If you get hungry, steal other people's food." It may sound wrong, but keep reading it and realize it's meaning. I got it from a fellow bboy who got it from another fellow bboy. It's not like you'll ever live a life without idols and rolemodels. There's always a person or people that you follow, not entirely but some of the time. Friends are key. They say the slang you have is always familiar around your group. They'll always know the inside jokes and nick names and etc. We all influence eachother, so let's not be shady and help eachother. I got off topic, but yeah. I'm all in for this change. I seem to tell myself that I'm gonna change, but never actually kept my word. This one isn't "different", it's just better. It has benefits. Might as well take the chance. All for a person? Hm, maybe.. maybe not. I know I'm involved, so it must be for more than one.
I'm gonna cut here, if I have anything in mind.. I'll just blog it seperately. Haha.
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